Dear California Drivers

Dear California Drivers,

Today I would like to spend some time with you discussing what may appear to be a minor point in traffic law. Even though dissertations, volumes, could be written addressing topics of roadway law, I shall attempt to address only one particular situation in the following paragraphs. I invite you most warmly to Focus with me now.

There are instances during the course of a day that after driving, we arrive at our destination, be it a place of business, store or restaurant. In order to proceed with our planned activity, one must park the car in designated stalls in the parking lot. A driver can select what appears to be a preferable parking spot, chosen for space or ease of exit or proximity to target building or absence of surrounding vehicles. However, after the car is placed, a driver has little to no control on who parks next to them, whether it be a Smart car easily looked around or a one of those giant SUVs my fellow Californians seem so fond of which can easily block not only sight lines but the sun as well. Some parking lots have unique (read: stupid) arrangement in order to squeeze as many parking stalls as possible out of their piece of precious real estate. (This is because there are too many cars and not enough places to put them. But this is another topic entirely and I shall try my best to adhere to my earlier directive and Focus.) This makes it immaterial if work van or scooter is parked next to you as your ability to see will be impaired. The limited space or inexpert placement by surrounding cars may also require a certificate in advanced driving maneuvers to successfully exit without damage to any vehicles involved.

There comes a time in every man's life when he must re-enter his vehicle and begin the process of exiting the parking stall. When reversing out of a parking spot it is prudent to proceed slowly, after first checking for oncoming traffic. Often this step is omitted which can lead to much justified honking and troublesome fender benders. In the absence of approaching vehicles, a driver must proceed slowly to continue to monitor traffic and to avoid contact with cars or other objects around his vehicle.

I realize at this point you may be growing irritated with my obvious and pedantic approach. Please bear with me. Pretend you are in traffic and put on the brake for a moment.

I would also like the take advantage of this brief break to state that this discussion would be much easier if we all could use and understand sign language (and of course, if we were all in the same room to best utilize this mode of communication). The descriptions of physical movements by the vehicles are much more clearly expressed in signs than in unwieldy words. Again, bear with me.

At some point during this process, Mr. Driver's car is halfway out of the stall and thus, into the lane of traffic. This, dear drivers, is unavoidable. One cannot complete this action without temporarily taking up some space. If you are approaching in this lane of traffic, (probably trolling desperately for a spot as you are late for an appointment and are near exhaustion, dehydration and complete mental collapse. Again, I digress. My apologies. Focus.) you will have to activate the brake and wait as the driver completes his reversal, corrects his wheel and makes ready to join the flow of traffic. It must be emphasized here that since this maneuver was begun before the approach of the oncoming car, our Mr. Driver is now technically in traffic and therefore ahead of you. He is now no different than any other car that is ahead of you in traffic. This status now requires you to monitor the position of you car, just as the car behind you must adjust accordingly based on your actions. It must also be stated that exiting a parking spot, due to the size of our vehicles (and you Hummer drivers...oh, hell. Focus. Must Focus), requires a certain amount of space to complete the maneuver. If the driver is exiting into a row of two way traffic, it is often necessary to enter into the real estate of both lanes to complete the task.

And now I finally come to my point, gentle drivers. If, after checking in both directions and finding an absence of oncoming traffic, our Mr. Driver begins exiting his stall and is three-quarters of the way out of his spot or halfway, still reversing or already beginning the final crank of the wheel to straighten his car to enter the lane of traffic, you cannot honk at him. You cannot adopt the mantle of indignation for a rude interruption of your forward progress. He was there first and therefore has right of way. I do understand that it may be irritating to be forced to wait while the maneuver is finished to continue on your way, but you have not been wronged. Therefore you may not honk. You have no basis for that loud forceful gesture. It is the equivalent of saying, however eloquently in the absence of words and instead in the dulcet tones of car horn, "I'm ridiculously more important than you. Stop what you are doing so that I can keep going. You are nothing."

You also may not refuse to wait and try to continue on your way by honking and accelerating, hoping that Mr. Driver will slam on the brakes to allow you to keep going unscathed. That is violating his right of way and is just damn rude. Just because he is completing his reverse does not change his status of ahead of you in traffic and he is taking his rightful turn. And if you have been forced to stop, honking will only make him slam on the brakes thereby stopping the process that is so irritating to you and further impinging on your progress.

Even though this has just been a section heavy with information and directives, it must also be added at the risk of overwhelming you, dear drivers, that excessive speed in a parking lot does not allow you any extra right of way privileges or extra indignation benefits. It just makes you an irresponsible driver worthy of scorn and few honks yourself.

Please do not sputter and start to shower me with instances of people who neglect to look before proceeding, who are on their phone, who are barely able to see over the steering wheel, or people who are wild drivers who routinely disregard the laws of traffic. I am not referring to those classes of people and you know it. Making those arguments will only make you sound defensive and actually, dear drivers, guilty.

I must take this opportunity to point out that there are occasions where the a driver is just beginning his attempt to exit his stall, cannot see the car that is closely approaching due to the aforementioned blockages to sight lines and a friendly 'I'm here" tap on the horn is entirely appropriate to alert the driver and avoid an accident. And we could spend another hour discussing exactly how far Mr. Driver has to be reversed out of his spot to claim his right of way: one-third, two thirds, halfway. And I would be more than happy to engage in that enlightening conversation once I recover from the ringing in my ears and my righteous indignation.

After such a lengthy detailed discussion I feel it is only fair that I now inform you, I daresay issue a kind of warning to you now, dear drivers. The next time I am innocently leaving work and am in the lane of traffic reversing my ridiculously cute Camry (and as a side note, what kind of car involved in these scenarios does not in the least bit affect the proper right of way rules. Driving a Porsche does not give you special right of way or asshole privileges. I apologize if you were told otherwise. Car salesmen, and various representatives of popular culture, shame on you) and am firmly clearly in the lane of traffic and you honk at me so I re-enter my spot far enough for you to get by, I am going to honk right back and not budge an inch. I am experienced in working with little children so my patience in dealing with bad inappropriate behavior and tantrums has been expanded beyond the level of mere mortals. My return honk can be interpreted as "Were you not afforded an education growing up? Where were you during Sharing Circle in kindergarten? Were you never taught or were you ultimately unable to learn to take your turn or to share? Go, get thee hence, to an elementary school near you for a refresher course, you cretin." My advice to us all, gentle drivers, is to adopt the spirit of the Sharing Circle so we can all get to our desired destinations smoothly and expediently.

I want to take the opportunity to thank you for your time and attention to the finer points of my discussion. I hope it has afforded you a clearer understanding of this particular traffic occurrence and leaves you feeling empowered to handle the situation when it next presents itself to you. Please stay tuned for further installments. I hope to have another discussion soon that will address another aspect of car travel. I hope you will contribute to the debate and join me in my endeavor to make the experience of operating a motor vehicle on the roads of our fine state a more pleasant one.

Until our next session, I bid you a good day and wish most sincerely for your continued safe travels.