Muchness

The other night I went to see the new 3-D film Alice in Wonderland with friends. A 19 year old Alice returns to Wonderland (it’s real name is Underland) and one of the characters that she knew during her first visit as a young girl, remarks with some disappointment to her that, “You used to be much-ier; you’ve lost your much-ness.”

The meaning of this is meant to be ambiguous; much of this story is. Muchness – bravery, sanity, personality, character, self-possession? Thinking about the movie later it struck me that her adventures are all about the way the life frustrates your expectations and resists interpretation, even when problems seem familiar or solvable. Knowing herself was her greatest accomplishment, and it is one of our most all-consuming tasks.

Though no animated character has told me so, I too feel like I have lost some of my muchness. This could be normal, as life changes all the time. My job has had an influence as has being married as has living in the sun as has deciding things about the future as has dealing with health stuff. It’s feeling off balance, discomfited by changes in opinions, new considerations to long held beliefs, new perspectives and shifting priorities.

It is the fact that my birthday is imminent. I always seem to find myself reevaluating my life. And celebrating it too, the focus is not the passing of time but celebrating that you are here and here has a lot of wonderful people and places and memories in it. So many of our days blur by, filled with responsibilities and errands and work and sleep and mundane details. Birthdays, I have always believed, are a time to stop and remember your blessings and to treat yourself like you would your very best friend. Who you spent the day (or the days surrounding) with, how you celebrated, who gave you gifts or hugs or well wishes marks that time in your life.

Instead of aftershocks of an earthquake, I am having beforeshocks. Yes, I realize that I just compared my birthday with an earthquake. What’s with the attitude? Mostly expectations I put on myself to have accomplished certain things for myself, answers I thought I’d have to the who what when where and why questions.

I suppose I could make the easy comparison here and say that moving to LA is like falling down the rabbit hole. But really it is that just when you think you kind of know who you are things change – and I’m not referring to big ol’ changes like moving to a place 2000 miles away. It’s the little things, part of the blur of everyday that sometimes shake the foundations.

Speaking of which, contributing to the thoughtfulness of this is the fact that someone who I love dearly, who spent my childhood buying me dresses and making me feel special and has spent my adulthood being my friend is battling her own Jabberwocky. It is hard hard to be so far away. She is surrounded by lots of love and support and will handle this with humor and grace I have no doubt.

I have always thought that it would be great to spend an entire day doing dreaded tasks such as looking for a parking space or grocery shopping. 24 solid hours of cleaning the toilet would then absolve you from doing that task for the next year. It would be the ultimate in time management. When a someone special to you is struggling you feel so helpless; I am quite sure that each of her loved ones would gladly take a day of her fight to give her some comfort. I know I would.

When faced with an event such as that one, I have heard people say time and time again that they find a “new normal.” That things will not go back to the way they were, but that how they recover and ultimately adjust is to find a new sense of what is normal. One of the other themes in the story of Alice in Wonderland is that adaptability is necessary for success.

I have been very lucky to have had visits from not one, not two, but three of my dearest friends. It was absolutely excellent to have them here, to do normal girly stuff, to take them to some of the places that are a part of my life, to shop and eat and talk. Doing all those things with them have helped this place seem more real. Sharing it with them, as I have done with so many experiences for my adult life, make things seem much more normal.

I am actually surreptitiously eating a Hob Nob cookie from a British Import shop that is down the street from where I work. They were my friend’s favorite when she lived in London and they are tasting quite excellent with my Catalina Coffee Company large bowl of coffee. The couple that owns the shop is very friendly. I told them that I pass their shop every day and have been meaning to stop in for months. Today I was driving past and just pulled in without any forethought. She agreed that some days are just like that. Days when you just can’t or won’t. And then there are the days that you do.

I am hoping for days when you just do, when you just can. When you do not feel like you have lost your muchness. When adaptability and tolerance for the thwarted expectations is bountiful and discovering your new perspectives and desires is an adventure. For days when you find a way to celebrate your life. Even if it is not quite what you thought you would be celebrating or how you would feel celebrating it. When you know exactly who the person is that is living in your skin.

Alice in El Segundo

Did I mention just how big that bowl of coffee was? Too big to write just one posting. Before I set about cleaning our apartment (hence the amount of coffee) I want to share some good news.

For quite a few months Fearless Hero and I have traipsed through the highways and byways of Underland in search of a new apartment. We’ve seen it all; stoves from the 40s, questionable garage spaces, fireplaces large and small, big closets and no closets, windows without blinds and doors that don’t close, bathrooms with two sinks and ones with actual storage. We’ve been to see so many places but none filled me with the particular joy that makes you actually contemplate putting everything you own in boxes and moving them. You’d have to ask Fearless Hero of about his perspective; I somehow feel joy wasn’t his criteria. A garage, parking space and a bigger kitchen would more accurately describe it.

I am happy to report that as of April 15 we will have a new address. It is a one story apartment, with our own entrance, garage with storage and extra parking space. It is a two bedroom apartment with closets. Yes, you heard me, closets. Plural. With an ‘S’. And there are built in storage cabinets above them in both bedrooms so there is storage up to the ceiling. (I feel like I’m talking dirty to my female family/friends reading this) The rooms are not large by any means, and not by California standards either.

But the kitchen has – get this – a washer and dryer. That work. That I don’t have to put quarters in. That I can use any time. That is only ours. That we didn’t have to buy. That, my friends, is amazing.

And – I know, I know, it’s too much. But there’s more. It has a big girl stove. Full size. Not apartment size that when you use a cookie sheet it cuts the space in half and makes the temp go all wonky and when you bake cookies you have to check and adjust the temperature constantly especially if it is one of those stoves from the days of free love and then things don’t turn out right and you get all frustrated and exclaim to the closest superhero “I want a big girl stove! Can we please get a big girl stove?”

Oh – and it has a refrigerator too. Fridges are not always included in apartments here. I know, it’s crazy but it’s true. And there is room for a small kitchen table. So after having only a built in counter thing to eat on we are looking forward to actually sitting together to have a meal. And having friends over. Yay for company!

We are happy. And will have to find a new hobby besides looking for an apartment. Well, after we move and clean and rearrange and buy a kitchen table. And recover.

It will be strange to move without my usual posse of helpers. We will now pause to allow for these people, including my parents, to breathe a sigh of relief and perhaps perform a little dance of joy. Luckily we will have almost two weeks to move and our new place is only a few blocks away.

It will be like Christmas, things that we have been unable to use due to lack of space, especially kitchen items will be brought out again. We will use the gift cards we have been saving to buy new towels and lamps. And we will be exhausted. But have more room in which to be exhausted.

But when you come to visit there will be a bedroom for you to sleep on our luxurious inflatable bed (no, really, it is comfortable, just ask our recent visitors). There may even be room for Fearless Hero to grow some tomatoes or herbs on our little stoop.

I will be sending out our new address soon so watch your email.

Movin on up, to the east side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky…