And Grease the Pan

There is a family recipe for Caramel Oatmeal Bars that is essential to my family’s Christmas celebrations. It is one passed down from my Grandma Schwoerer. I have a photocopy of it in my recipe drawer and it is one of those recipes that you almost don’t need a instructions for as you’ve made it so many times you almost have the amounts and steps memorized. I believe the original is from Grandma’s sister Valeria. I also believe that Christmas could not take place without them.

I won’t go into details about the directions that are on the recipe as any appetite or food cravings I do have are highly suggestible at this point and since the fair citizens of California do not seem to be too interested in baking, the grocery stores do not carry the caramels that are required to make this dessert, except in the fall when they stock bags of Kraft caramels to make caramel apples (mmm, caramel apples, maybe dipped in nuts…focus, focus) so if I talk about them too much and get the craving I am sort of out of luck unless I substitute the caramels with something similar which as we all have experienced can only awaken the craving without satisfying it fully if it does not taste like how we remember it. (Hey Mom, you are bringing a bag of caramels when you come, right?).

Anyway, the recipe states to take half of the oatmeal, butter, brown sugar mixture (now doesn’t that sound good? Let me know if you want the full recipe because it is…focus, focus) and press it into a 9x13 pan. And then it says “and grease the pan.” If you aren’t one of those conscientious cooks who reads the whole recipe before beginning you will be uttering a Homer-like “Doh” right at the moment when the mixture is all pressed in and ready to go into the oven.

How many times have we thought or said, “If I only had known”, or “If I had it to do over again”, or “If I knew then what I know now…” It’s a universal sentiment that can be applied to so many aspects of our lives.

Just yesterday I was in the baby aisle at Target as a mother of three was unwrapping a new pacifier for her fussy son as he is particular about what brand he will take and she gave me a couple of tips of things that she wishes she had known or done when her oldest was born. I listened carefully, and am proud to say that I remember them despite experiencing a hot flash at the time.

I am well aware that I will experience this feeling of “if I had only known” innumerable times over the next weeks, months, years. No matter how many books we read, or advice we receive or classes we take, no resource will be an expert on our baby and some of the information will be invaluable and some will not apply at all. Our expectation is to learn something every day, and to pay attention all the while knowing that once we feel like we’ve got it down things will change again.

As I just wrote to Little One in my pregnancy diary, adaptability will be key. I have gotten used to never sitting upright in the car and avoiding foods to minimize heartburn (cinnamon and mint – who knew these things could be so evil? Mmmm, mint chocolate chip ice cream…focus, focus) and to holding my ribs with my right forearm. You adjust to the circumstance and get on with your day. Yes, that the circumstances are changing day to day can get dizzying. And then there comes a day when there is too much adjusting required so then you start your maternity leave.

(By the way, to all the moms reading this who worked right up until the end or were chasing other children around while 9 months pregnant: you have my undying admiration. I am a wimp compared to you.)

While facing the reality of parenthood, with its great gulps of joy and its daily struggles, adaptability will be required of us as we will no longer be in charge. I also keep in mind what I’ve discussed before, the daunting task that Little One has ahead: to learn all about the Big World and how to adapt to live in it.

I can only imagine the experience of the outside world after so many months safely in utero. This Easily Overwhelmed Girl can relate to it being a brash, chaotic, glaring place with too many rules and sensations. I hope Fearless Hero and I and Grandma can help Little One quickly adapt to the joys of the swing and the smells of his dad’s cooking and the comfort of being held in her first weeks.

There is a quote that I remember from Maya Angelou which stuck with me before becoming a parent was forefront in my mind, perhaps because I worked with children. I heard it again a few years ago when Toni Morrison was on the Oprah show so now I am not entirely sure where the idea originated. Nevertheless, it has come back to my mind recently. I looked it up online to remember the full context of the idea; here is what I found:

"Maya Angelou asks, 'How do you react when your child enters the
room? Do your eyes light up?' All children need to feel special, in
their own right, apart from their accomplishments and accolades.
In our daily routine it is often easy for family members to take each other for granted. We should never forget how important it is for our
unconditional love to shine through and be seen every day.
Yes, we can facilitate the attainment of their goals by driving them
to practices, cheering from the stands and proudly extolling their
talents. But what signals do our kids receive from us during the course of an average day?"

In her discussion with Oprah about this idea, Toni Morrison added that if the answer is “yes”, it allows your face to speak what your heart feels. The article continues with a discussion of how do we build our children's self-confidence and, at the same time, teach them how to be realistic about their expectations in light of the competition and pressures of growing up? It reminds parents that they have the power to give their children the belief that they can face the challenges that life brings; that they have much potential. And it is often through small gestures, like the look on your face when you greet them, which can make the difference over the years.

I realize that I should be thinking about the intricacies of swaddling and the details of appropriate car seat installation, I think I am preoccupied with these ideas to distract myself from the waiting and the incoming reality of no sleep. Having this down time has clearly lead to some periods of introspection, interspersed with trips to the bathroom and continued frenzied list-making and closet organizing. Soon I will be too much in the thick of it to think of anything but Little One and sleep.

But when I think back to my childhood I can think of many occasions, and many people, whose eye lit up when I came to sit on their lap and who made me feel special. It is natural to think of wonderful things from your own childhood that you would like to recreate for your little one.

Back in February, Fearless Hero and I had just reached the second trimester and we were allowing ourselves to acknowledge and celebrate and plan for the first time. We had just had our appointment with the doctor and afterwards were heading up to San Francisco for a few days. We expected to come upon some baby boutiques or other impractical spots to pick up impractical but adorable baby things during our time in the city, which didn’t actually happen.

What I did find in a gift shop were a line of note cards that had sentiments that spoke to me somehow; I bought them without any real plan for what I was going to do with them. I had seen this line of cards before, with nature graphics and cool quotes. One had a quote by Marcus Solero that said, “A possibility was born the day you were born and it will live as long as you live.” and the other, a quote attributed to Sam Friend said, “There is in each of us so much goodness that if we could see it glow, it would light the world.”

I have since found the note card company’s website and bought a few more, including Robert Browning’s quote, “Great things are made of little things” and Helen Keller’s quote, “The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.”

The cards are simply framed and in Little One’s room. The nature pictures that are on each card aren’t necessarily geared for a baby; there are no cute animals or pink bows or blue cars but trees and the stars and the wind.

They are reminders for Fearless Hero and I as parents. Reminders that the importance of the many little things we do every day will make the difference. These things are more important than what clothes we buy (though can I say that buying infant and toddler size Adidas Superstars shoes filled my heart with joy) or what products we use.

They are wishes like the fairy godmothers who came to Sleeping Beauty’s crib to bestow their blessings. Fearless Hero and I are fortunate to have a wonderful group of family and friends in our lives that have supported us these past months and who will be important in the life of our child. Little One is lucky to have many who will watch over her and who will help wish and make wonderful things happen for him.

We will keep you posted about the day when our eyes light up when Little One comes into the world.

Undiscovered Country

What is the best way to say it? If we were a car lot we would have brand new flags flying in the wind. If we were a store there would be 50% off coupons. If we were celebrities we would issue a press release. If we were a drive- thru we would give away free French fries. If we were a bakery it would be free donut day. If we were flowers we would bloom. If we were birds we would sing a new song. If we ruled the world we would institute a holiday.

Comagirl and Fearless Hero are having a baby.

Sounds like a movie title, huh?

We are overjoyed and overwhelmed in equal measure; those could be our new interchangeable blog names. It’s a balance.

Every family has their own story; ours will have some interesting chapters. The first reason that I haven’t been here at the blog is that being pregnant has taken up much of my extra energy.

The second reason is that I’ve been cheating. Yes, I’ve been doing other writing for a different audience. I’ve been writing to Little One every week. I talk to him/her all the time but I also try to write what is going on with us. Some days are just long and hard and when it gets like that you don’t talk much about it you just do it and get through it. Other days I ramble on. I want to remember the special moments that first mapped out our journey into this undiscovered country.

My subconscious has also involved in the story telling. The dreams that I have had would amaze you. And exhaust you too. I’ve read that its partly the hormones and partly my brain processing all that is going on.

It’s a lot to process and since I am the Easily Overwhelmed Girl, processing all of the changes and anticipating the changes to come has been a lot. We are trying to take it one task at a time. For example, what will our little one’s blog nickname be? (See how I can prioritize?) For the record it is Little One.

We have decided not to find out if the baby is a boy or a girl; which puts us firmly in the 10% minority of expectant parents. It’s one of biggest non-sports clichés: “As long as the baby is healthy” but it really could not be more true. My writings to Little One already contain an apology for the nicknames: Peanut, Button, Bean, Pie, Buddy, Kiddo, Sweetie, Bear.

We spent awhile focused on trying to get Little One here with us. For me there was a lot of mental discipline in not thinking too far ahead, to not take any outcome for granted. We truly didn’t know if we would ever get here. It’s taken me awhile to adjust to life as a pregnant girl mentally and physically and to start thinking about life as a mom. I fully expect and have already been proven correct in the occurrence of random freak outs, emotional tirades and thrilling moments. Now, as I think of this little life, I have the sneaking suspicion I have only begun to learn about worrying.

As a teenager and young adult I distinctly remember having conversations with my friends about what month we would want our kids born in and how far apart they would be and what names we would give and the order of boy or girl. We assumed so much was in our power, with insufficient appreciation of how complicated it all is, of how many things that have to go right. And how ultimately how little you will care about what birthstone the baby has.

I’ve spent many a morning in the waiting room of clinics and doctor’s offices with women and couples in various stages of hope. There have been some very dark days. There was jargon to learn, days to wait, sadness to feel, disappointment to experience, rules to follow, secret hopes to cherish. And lots of worry. Our life seemingly revolving around the mysterious machinations of my body, which, if you are familiar with this blog, is not exactly a recommended axis. And lots and lots of waiting. The reason we decided to start our life in California was the goal of having a family. I find myself again in undiscovered country. During the trying and now in the succeeding.

I suppose there should be a part in this posting where I outline all my pregnancy symptoms and experiences so far. It would be a comedy routine if it were someone else.

The good news is that the baby is doing fine. For whatever its deficiencies and challenges my body seems to be doing okay at producing a baby. Lots of other bodily systems are not so happy. It’s added a sense of the surreal. No one could predict how these systems would react to the most powerful substances on earth – hormones – and the changes afterwards. More undiscovered territory.

There is so much that is unknown about the whole process. Being pregnant has reinforced that while there are some lovely people in the medical field and some amazing advances, they do not possess all the answers. I have had more experiences of sitting in a room with a doctor after explaining a physical difficulty that may seriously affect the pregnancy that there is nothing they can do, they not sure what is going on, they can’t predict what will happen.

So we deal with the eating/not eating, back issues, not sleeping, headaches, heartburn, fatigue, nausea. But no migraines. And I have some company and an end goal It’s a balance.

I remember when Fearless Hero and I were making plans for our wedding(s) I made a conscious effort to not be taken into the bride consumer machine and focused on what the day really meant. I needed by circle of friends and a day for our families to come together. I didn’t need matching bridesmaid dresses or a personalized cake topper.

We are trying to do the same now. There are so many messages on how to be a good parent. And of course, what exactly to eat and how to eat it every day of your pregnancy. You will become a crazy person. If the hormones haven’t taken you there already.

I’ve been careful about what I read as to not have even more freak outs. I am conscious on what to spend my mental energy and money. I try to accept that even though I have limitations in this process that doesn’t have to prohibit a successful pregnancy. I don't take on the expectations of others. We try to ignore the messages that that what products you buy determines if you are a good parent. Wouldn’t that just be easier? Then I could have a massive bake sale to raise money to buy all the “right” stuff that will ensure a perfect child, with enough left over the buy the magazines that will tell me all the right ways to handle this perfect child.

It feels reckless to not be an expert in all pertinent areas before Little One arrives. It’s an unreasonable expectation but there it is. Do you know how many different kinds of baby thermometers there are? I’ve worked with kids all my life but it appears that to become a capable parent must become a consumer product expert, a safety expert and an organizational guru to arrange all the gear. It would help to be wealthy too. Fearless Hero has been buying more lottery tickets lately; think there is a connection? Babies R Us gives me the shakes so I have institute time limits. I was proud that on our first time I made it until we got back to the parking lot before I started crying.

Fearless Hero has become even more goofy in his happiness at becoming a dad. It’s touching to see how touched he gets over little things.

He’s got his Dad apps on his iPhone and a pile of Dad books on his table. He has conquered the mysteries of the baby transportation system and doesn’t bat an eye at the increasingly weird food habits of his wife. He’s good with the back rub and the pastry addiction. He has already gotten used to the idea of taking Little One everywhere; he’s done the research for the sling, wrap, carrier, bike trailer, stroller, car seat and rocket ship. He’s made solo trips to a baby expo and swap, bought diapers and successfully trolled Craigslist for dressers.

This is new country for sure. Fearless Hero will be busy researching car seats and strollers and day care costs. I will be busy being tired. It’s a balance.

There have been the inevitable questions and comments from coworkers, strangers, friends. For all the comments from people tinged with pity: “Oh, you will never sleep again” there have been the genuine well wishes: “Oh, you are going to have so much fun!” We’ve had so much love and support coming our way it is truly overwhelming.

We tried to bridge the miles in finding creative ways to tell our family and friends the happy news. I was home for a visit recently and had a wonderful non-shower baby shower, filled with thoughtful gifts and well wishes. And we now have a fantastic stash of hand-made customized onesies for the Little One made by everyone who was there.

I feel like I did at our weddings, that the world Fearless Hero and I have created, peopled with our amazing family and friends, is a good place to be. I can’t wait for our Little One to be a part of that. We know that the support and love from all these special people will be essential to our success in being good parents. How can we go wrong?

While I want to hang out with Little One more than anyone I will miss having her/him with me all the time. She/he has been considerate most of the time by keeping the ninja kicks to a minimum. Our childbirth classes will start in June. I suppose then I will be switching from just being happy that Little One is here with me to focusing on how he/she will get out to join the party sometime in mid-August.

For the time being, whenever I get overwhelmed, I keep in mind that Little One has to learn the entire world: red means stop, non stick coating, sunrises, power cords, pollination, left and right.

A lot of patience will be required and a constant understanding of the number and the scope of lessons we will be giving everyday. I try to be patient with myself too; balancing the need for rest and the need to do everything to be prepared.

For awhile now it’s been a different experience thinking about the future, not knowing what the coming months will bring. It’s been difficult to make plans or think of the future with so much uncertainty. We are still not sure exactly what the future will bring. In the immediate future it childbirth classes, rearranged closets, chocolate shakes, back rubs, list making, thank you notes and lots and lots of gratitude.

I am soliciting all of your wise words, product recommendations, learned lessons from the front lines of parenthood. I’ve enjoyed hearing the stories of your families over the years and hope you will continue to be a part of our family’s story. I can’t wait for you to meet Little One.

I’ve heard it said that there is no one way to be the perfect mom, but millions of ways to be a great one. I think that applies to both motherhood and fatherhood. Overjoyed and Overwhelmed here are looking forward to discovering some of them.