High Tide

I am passing along wise words from my mother, who I am missing terribly today. I keep these words that she sent to me posted by my computer screen at work as a reminder to be hopeful, no matter the water level, as I attempt to make good on a new shore. Every time I read it I remember that my mom's love and support is with me every day, despite the miles.

Confession and Survival of the Meetingest

Last night I was foraging for something to eat when I was overcome with a wash of homesickness. I sat down in the middle of the kitchen floor and tried to blame my feeling on the bad headache that I had. I just wanted to be on the East Side, to go to Lixx for a Heath Bar Fixx and spend time at Harry Schwartz books, with a weekend coming up with plans to see friends in Green Bay, family in Sheboygan or to head down to one of the Lakefront Festivals with friends. I know the bookstore isn’t open anymore and I fear that Lixx may not have survived either. These episodes don’t come when expected and there’s often nothing for it. How could it be otherwise since I left so many wonderful people and a great neighborhood and places where I feel at home?

But I am adjusting to life in California and we are adjusting to life together. However, If Fearless Hero ever starts a blog of his own I will be in trouble. He will reveal all my eccentric and high maintenance behaviors. Like leaving my shoes all over the apartment (that’s a tame one, believe me but I thought it was best to make an effort to come clean).

I made an attempt to feel better when homesickness strikes using comfort food and so I went to my files and found my favorite recipe to make my own doughnuts. The taste of homemade crullers, with the flavors of lemon, cinnamon and vanilla mixing together was amazing. I was struck by inspiration and made a glaze to enhance my homemade fried dough experience (again, I’m trying to come clean here and not disguise the reality of eating fried foods).

The opposite of comforting is the reality that I cannot find someone capable to cutting my hair even remotely close to the skill of my hairdresser in Milwaukee. That coupled with my inability to maintain a consistent temperature and the deficits in my wardrobe for my job and weather leaves me uncomfortable on a regular basis. When I try to explain this to Fearless Hero I stated it this way: it’s like being a man and having all your gadgets not work. I will need to invest in more hats until my appointment on August 25 with Gloria.

I can relate to this version of male angst; my MP3 player is acting up, this morning I couldn’t get if off playing the same song. Luckily it was a good one: “Tick Tick Boom” by The Hives, which I highly recommend on a Friday morning drive to work. and today Laptop was a little uncooperative at lunch time as I was trying to spend my lunch hour watching a movie. How decadent is that? How hard was it to go back to work?

This morning we had our unit meeting, followed by another rare Friday afternoon meeting.

My boss’ boss was the leader for the afternoon meeting. He is British so some of his memos contain cool phrases like “straight away.” One of the inclusion activities (ice breakers - but don’t be using that terminology out loud) at a training session some months back was to discuss your favorite old school rock band. Some of the young ‘uns talked about Mariah Carey or Creed. One didn’t even know who Aerosmith was. When I offered up the Clash as my choice (naturally) I do believe I impressed him. This may come in handy some day.

This meeting was held to address the current budget problems in California and how the proposed changes will affect our families. To make a long long story short to cut 334 million dollars from our system the Powers That Be have mandated changes we must follow. This includes no funding for summer camps. There are 17 disappointed kids on my caseload alone. Many families can’t afford to pay for the camp themselves, especially without any notice. To complicate matters further, the changes won’t take affect until the budget actually passes. It’s a day to day thing here.

None of my families required a follow up visit by Chewbacca, though some of my colleagues had to contend with some rude and angry parents. Mostly they are just disappointed. So many are struggling too. There are lots more changes coming. Legislators need to be locked into a room and not allowed to come out until they pass a damn budget.

The majority of families I have met and continue to work with in my job have been lovely. Despite my many questions and my inexperience they have been fun getting to know. They come from all sorts of backgrounds and their families all have many challenges and joys. However, I do have a confession to make.

When I meet with a family where one or both parents are Filipino I always make sure to work into the conversation somewhere that I am married to a Filipino. Yep, I pimp my husband out. Once I tell them that, I am in. While they are usually amongst the warmest and kindest of families (I realize that I am biased) once I tell them about Fearless Hero there’s another whole level of understanding and acceptance and gossip as we compare families and talk geography and food. I am in the club without even trying. And it is a scientific fact that their children are the most capitol-A adorable.

The morning meeting was our monthly unit meeting. I know I have blogged previously about these soul sucking experiences. The best way to describe the post meeting feeling is like a helium balloon that has lost most of its helium and is hovering disconsolately close to the ground bobbing and weaving waiting for someone to put it out of its misery. The cost analysis of the amount of lost work due to the demoralization and ire of the attendees after these meetings is hard to calculate.

The morning three hour session almost didn’t happen as our buildings and a block or two in each direction were all without power. We got our hopes up but power was restored so the meeting went on as planned. The beginning part was great; info about Head Start and school services. One of the presenters was hearing impaired which made me realize how much I miss signing.

Then it shifted to other topics. An administrator was explaining a certain portion of our job, I won’t bore you with the details, and had the audacity to say that it really doesn’t take any of your time to do it. Oh, and you can’t bill for it. But do it. But keep your numbers up. And it won’t take any time but schedule a time to meet with me for an hour or so and we’ll go over it individually. Really, just don’t insult my intelligence.

And it got better. Here’s another aspect of your jobs, here’s how you are supposed to do it. But if you are new, then you can’t do it because you don’t know enough yet. How to adjust for the inexperience? Just do it. Then they went on to discuss another portion of our job - oh, it’s just too tedious to get into, but it may result in a Sharks vs. the Jets scenario. The angry mutterings reached a fever pitch.

And why are there always a few folks that seem to think a forum of 60 people is the best time to discuss their specific individual question and then are compelled to ask several follow up questions as the entire room’s body language conveys conscious or unconscious irritation? And do you realize that when you don’t pay attention or are too busy talking and then you ask a question that was just covered you make yourself look like an idiot?

And, while I’m on this topic, what my agency really needs to do is to fly my mother out for a couple of these meetings to facilitate these meetings. With her professional expertise aspects such as on topic discussion and the one speaker at a time rule could be addressed. Seriously folks. The side conversations are not only distracting they create an inability to share questions and get clear answers. It’s not rocket science. There’s a reason that you had to raise your hand to be called on in school. Everyone just talks at once and then everyone just sort of gives up trying to get the right information. Mom will also need to ensure the presenters have clear goals and information about the topics discussed at the meeting. Do they mean for these meetings to highlight dysfunction or does that just happen naturally?

And after they approve the travel expenses and fee for my mother’s meeting facilitation I will propose that they add more bathrooms or convert a few of the male bathrooms to female. Woe be it to you if you want to use the facilities between the hours of 11:00 and 2:00 and anytime after 4:30pm. And after a three hour meeting - forget it. Again with the cost analysis of the work time lost as you spend 10 minutes waiting in line or going between all three building in search of something open. Today I was waiting in the mini line and a coworker playfully butted in front of me. I mimed a karate kick which was convincing enough to have him ask if I am trained in martial arts. I gave one of those shrugs and knowing smiles, “The winters are long and cold in Wisconsin, we gotta do something indoors to fill the time.” I think he bought it. My myth and legend grows

I may not even need Chewbacca as bodyguard. I did find the picture of Chewbacca amongst my files at home. He is now displayed in my cubicle amongst all the posted paperwork,, memos, guidelines calendars detritus of my job. He will be with me as I make the phone calls and have the seriously un-fun conversations with families.

The last half hour of the day was just as unproductive as it could be. I filled the time making lists of all the wedding related and other tasks that need to be done now that I have resurfaced from my migraine marathon. Fearless Hero and I are enjoying getting the RSVPs in the mail. We open them together and each regret gets and “awww” and each acceptance gets a “Yay!” The number of the latter is growing which is exciting.

As we speak, my wedding dress is not far away in Redondo Beach being altered. Leaving it there filled me with anxiety (“What!” you ask, “Beth - have anxiety - no way!”). The seamstress used to work on the Royal Caribbean Cruise line as costumer for all the performers and dancers. She knows her way around a dress. She’s this little Brazilian lady. She gave me a hug when we first met after exchanging phone calls to set up the appointment and she calls me “Honey.” Love it.

All the online and catalog pictures show my dress fitting the glowing model perfectly. I assumed that any sort of magic could be done to have it fit. Not the case. I am not a glowing model. More often glowering. The medication I was on to help with the migraines gives you vivid exhausting dreams at night. My psyche has thoroughly explored the various wedding tragedies that could happen. I guess it was efficient of my to get all those nightmares out of the way early. This way I’ll be stress and nightmare free the week before the wedding. (Oh, give me a moment, I’m laughing too hard to keep typing…)

I also made an appointment to have a phone conference with our chosen bakery to finalize the plans for the wedding cake. How do you possibly select one design? Or flavor? Do you absolutely stuff yourself before you make the call so no cake at all sounds appealing so you abandon plans of fancy fillings and extra frosting? Is it possible to actually eat enough to make cake not sound good?

And on Saturday, my Wedding Team will be tasting some dishes by our caterer to help us make the final decisions about our food selections for the wedding. PBJs nor pizza is on the list of choices, unfortunately, so we must narrow down the chicken selections. Fearless Hero wants to fire up the grill to eat chicken at the same time to have the experience by proxy. We did all sorts of similar things when we were doing our long distance thing so this does not seem weird to us. I suspect he will just use any excuse to fire up the grill.

Tonight we are making homemade pizza and watching previous Harry Potter movies to catch us up for our attendance on Sunday of the latest HP installment with Lisa and Tyler. I am looking forward to being around a little magic. I’m hoping a little of it rubs off on me so I can focus on and enjoy the fun stuff.

Refuge

Greetings to you all; I am so glad that I am able to do a little writing today. How are you doing on this fine Friday? I am reporting to you from the front lines; I’ve been struggling for the past 21 days with a migraine every day. I’m fairly certain I am exhibiting several signs of madness as well as symptoms leading up to a psychotic break. While I have experienced migraines for 10 years I have never had a run like this before. It is scary, especially when nothing alleviates the pain. My immediate concern is getting through the day so I have not able to dwell on the bigger picture of doom that this condition has created.

My current neurologist had all of three minutes to speak to me on the phone and instructed me to not use so much of the Imitrex, the medication I take when I get a migraine. Okey dokey then. I’ll just set up a tent in the hospital parking lot and go in for a morphine drip every morning. Maybe I’ll have a bake sale and upgrade to a double wide trailer. I have decided to give up doctors for Lent. And summer. And Advent. And fall winter and spring. I texted my friend Becca about ordering a morphine drip online. She pestered me with questions regarding legality. Sheesh. But I do live in L.A. If I can’t get a hold of some drugs here of all places then there is no hope.

So as not to bash all of the healthcare industry I am happy to report that I have found a wonderful chiropractor that is helping me with my chronic neck/shoulder issues that are often triggers for my headpain. He is very nice so I was not surprised to learn that he is a fellow Midwesterner. My appointments have been during my lunch hour, a little respite in the middle of my day. His office uses the muscle stimulation before adjustments to relax your body. They hook up these electrode things to the areas in your back that are hurting and you get to relax with heated towels under your neck and relax for 10-15 minutes. If anyone is free Saturday I am planning a little break in to steal the machine. Should be a piece of cake. Come over at midnight and wear black.

So far I have managed to hold on to my job, making it to work everyday. For this I am very proud and very tired. I had my six month review last week and got a very positive and encouraging evaluation from my supervisor. Things have slowed down at work and gotten a bit easier. Both the migraine pain and the side effects from the Imitrex make it difficult to concentrate (don‘t believe those TV and print ads that show people engaged in carefree laughter, back to their normal lives due to Imitrex. It‘s a lie. You feel like crap).

I had a few slow days around the 4th of July where I had time on my hands; which was a strange feeling. Though I spend my days on the computer, our internet access is limited to our own agency website, Mapquest, health and government websites etc. I have discovered that internet addresses that end in .org have a greater chance of being accessed. In a joyous moment I discovered that the library websites for all four library systems that I belong to can be accessed. I am open to any and all suggestions of .org websites that might be interesting to do some random reading or exploring when I have a few or a few too many free moments. I will also pay big money if someone can figure out how to play solitaire on a screen that you can see, but that is invisible to everyone else.

So because I got a good review and passed my probationary period I can now use vacation time that I have accrued. This means that I can attend my own wedding! My supervisor signed my vacation request today so I am guaranteed the time off. Insert big sigh of relief here. It is foolhardy to send out invitations to 200 people to an event that you aren’t sure you can attend. But I like to live on the edge.

Fearless Hero and I were able to finish the wedding invitations last weekend. We are really pleased with how they turned out. I was having another bout of insomnia so ended up writing them all out one night, finally going to bed at 5am. I put on the movie “When Harry Met Sally” which I highly recommend as an accompaniment to this kind of wedding activity. I did have a surreal moment as I realized I was sitting in California addressing my wedding invitations at 5 in the morning. How did I get here? (Did anyone else get that Talking Heads song playing in their head when they read that?) It could have been the lack of sleep or it could have been e a legitimate disorientation at all the changes, good and bad , that have happened in my life since I met Fearless Hero.

As the weeks go on that my permanent state of migraining continues, I just try to hang in there, keep hoping that tomorrow will be better. Someone at work asked me how I was doing the other day and we discussed how it would be more appropriate to answer that question with a numerical value like, “I’m about a 5 today,” or even a color system less precise but more open to interpretation. “I’m feeling burnt sienna today.”

Right now I am a teal, going with the shirt I am wearing today. I wore this one so I could wear the cutest shoes that I have ever owned. What wise philosopher once said “It is better to look good than to feel good”?

During these last few weeks I keep trying to find refuge. A big hug by Fearless Hero tops the list. It is usually little things: a particularly tasty lunch, walking around the local farmer’s market during my lunch break, chatting with my new chiropractor before going back to work, making a batch of homemade donuts, calling a friend on the drive home, noticing the trees here that bloom with impossibly lovely purple flowers.

One of my biggest refuges is in books. As you can see by the long list I have posted on my blog I am a great lover of books. I can find relief in getting lost in a good book. Lately I’ve been reading a lot of mysteries as I lack the concentration to follow the really dense literary stuff. I finally read the Twilight series for example, the first one on a day when I was desperate to dive into someone else‘s story. I just got the last Harry Potter book from the library. I may not get out of bed all day on Sunday. When the pain is too bad and I can’t read I feel particularly lost. Sometimes I look at the fashion magazines my dad supplies me with to distract me.

A recent article in Newsweek was written by a man who rereads his favorite books regularly, finding solace in the familiar settings and narratives. Our culture values accomplishment and progress so there is always some guilt about rereading and not going on to something new. It was a good article but strange too; it never occurred to me that people wouldn’t re-read. I only buy the books I love and know I will read again and again, books I am compelled to own. I recently bought Molly Wizenburg’s memoir “A Homemade Life” after only reading a few chapters as I knew it would be a refuge for me, to reread and to feel less alone.

One example of rereading this past week was a short novel this called "The Falconer", a treasured book that Becca gave to me. It was like spending time with an old friend. When I pull books off the shelves of my mini library I find the postcards and notes from friends I hide in there to be rediscovered. There’s a reason that I dragged those boxes of books across the country.

When I can’t read, and, because it is such an excellent show, I also find refuge in watching the HBO series “The Wire.” It takes place in Baltimore and is written by a former police detective and newspaper reporter. It deals with drug dealers and cops and reporters and politicians and lawyers and teachers and street kids and addicts. The characters are real and unforgettable, the vision of the show uncompromising. After the Sopranos, it is the best TV series. The writing is amazing and it assumes the viewer is intelligent enough to follow all the layers of the epic story. It ran for 5 seasons. I started from the beginning and currently have three episodes left. I don’t know what I am going to do next. Happiness for me is coming home immediately after work, getting into my soft warm up pants and watching and taking refuge in an episode. It is also when I get the mail and there is a Netflix envelope stuffed inside. If anyone has recommendations about what other cable shows are good so I can segway into something else please pass it along.

There’s refuge in comforting rituals; like listening to the Cult “She Sells Sanctuary” and “Fire Woman” every Friday morning on the way to work. Texting friends while at work. Listening to the new Wilco album. It is another amazing album by one of my favorite bands. It is responsible for propping me up on many a long afternoon when I’m not sure I am going to make it until 5:00pm. Crawling into a comfy bed and just relaxing in the quiet.

While I do all I can to take care of myself and try and feel better Fearless Hero also has been amazingly patient and kind. He will go out and get me whatever weird food I’m craving, rub my neck when I’m in pain, accommodate my limited stamina without complaining and keeps me company even when I am crabby. He makes it easier.

So I was very glad when my dad, upon hearing that we did not possess a grill for Fearless Hero to cook out on, sent us a surprise gift of a min-gas grill. It arrived on July 3rd. Fearless Hero and I both had off so we went to the permanent Farmer’s Market on 3rd and Fairfax. It is a great place to wander and eat and people watch and shop. We had breakfast at Dupar’s which is famous for their pancakes. It is said that they keep the recipe locked up in the office safe. If things go well Saturday night, our next target will be that safe.

We spent the rest of the morning wandering the stalls and stopping at the adjacent mall. It was a nice way to spend a day off. We worked off the pancakes by doing a thorough cleaning of the apartment. It’s no good if your refuge is dirty. Fearless Hero put together the grill. I love it when the box says “some assembly required” it really should say “all assembly required.” He got to try it out on July 4th. If anyone has excellent recipes for the grill for meat or veggies or fish or fruit please feel free to pass it on.

I will leave you with a little story about our near-brush-with-fame. On July 4th the actress Joyce DeWitt, who spent 8 years portraying Janet on the show “Three’s Company” was arrested for suspicion of drunk driving. According to the Daily Breeze, the South Bay’s newspaper, she drove her black sports car around a barricade set up due to the fireworks show at around 4:19pm and “staggered toward a police officer standing in uniform next to his motorcycle. She slurred “Where the hell is East Oak Street?” An officer asked how much she had had to drink and she said ,”Just one.” She then reached into her car, pulled out a plastic container and began drinking from it. It was unclear what was inside.” She failed a sobriety test and was taken to jail and released at 1:20am on Sunday.

And where, you ask, did this take place? In El Segundo, about 25 yards from our apartment. We were home at the time but did not know the event took place. Her mug shot is truly a scary sight.

So, my friends, my solicitations for .org websites, TV series recommendations and grill recipes were sincere so consider it your homework assignment. These will be graded and those that don’t turn in their assignments will be forced into breaking and entering duty. And don’t send anymore 70s sitcom stars our way, we’ve reached our quota for the year.