Garden Gnomes of Fortune

Hello party people! Welcome to 2010! How does it feel so far? Foggy, silky, purple? I need adjectives, people. For now I am going with blurry and unwieldy.

Does my posting look different, a little shinier, a little newer perhaps? If so, it is because this is my first posting while using my very own laptop computer! I am most excited about this new individual in my life and am looking forward to a long and close relationship.

I am happy to report that my two week sojourn back to Coldsnowyland was fantastic; a much needed chance to catch up with family and friends and a great break from work and real life in L.A (there‘s an oxymoron for you). This trip I learned that the longer you stay the harder it is to come back. We had a great time. Fearless Hero’s company decided to close for the week between Christmas and New Year so he unexpectedly got to stay for the whole time too. It was sort of like an extended Time Out.

People cooked dinner for us and drove across miles and gave us thoughtful gifts and rearranged plans and welcomed us into their homes. I played cards, baked, frosted, wrapped, shopped, ate, slept in, drank lots of coffee and got to hang out with so many people. My mom put up with our mess and my dad rented us a car so we could be mobile and pack as much traveling and visiting as possible into our two weeks. I felt right at home with the cold and the snow. Feeling at home is one sentiment that I don’t take for granted anymore.

I returned to Los Angeles feeling deflated and more than a little disappointed that my problems were still here waiting, all lined up like little demented garden gnomes. Forgive the strange imagery, Fearless Hero and I spent a day this weekend looking for apartments. Some people in one of the buildings that we looked at had a 12 inch by 12 inch square near their door where they managed to fit in four little gnome statues. Their menacing looks sort of matched my growing real estate worry and general despair.

So what’s on the agenda for 2010? First thing was to recover from the disorientation from my visit home. The next thing will be more difficult but will probably also include some confusion and dizziness.

In a consultation with my doctors, I will be starting a new treatment in the hopes of resolving the severe health problems I have been having over the last several months. We are attempting to figure out the cause of all my symptoms. I won’t bore you with the gory details or biological theories behind this mad scheme but will say that it begins with a new regimen for two weeks and the next steps will be determined after that.

The next two weeks will be very difficult, made even more so by not really knowing what result to hope for once the tests come back after these two weeks. Option A : this are the health and lifestyle changes you will need to make and the personal and physical limitations you will need to accept or Option B: Gee, still don’t know what’s wrong with you. Option A will require another reinvention of myself. Which I have had just about enough of in the last year or two, thank you very much, as all of you who have have been reading this blog can concur. Option B is not good either, a big black scary thing.

Here’s the point in the posting where I focus on the positive aspects of the situation “At least now I have a plan, we’re making progress blah blah blah” I don’t quite have it in me today. Things just suck right now.

I remember the answer my meditation teacher gave when questioned how to practice meditation when experiencing physical pain. Her advice was to acknowledge it, sit with it as part of the practice, since trying to ignore it will not be possible, and to keep trying to practice despite it.

I’ve remembered this advice many times since then. I read somewhere once that a woman dealt with her particular fear by imagining inviting it to the table for tea. The visual monster I’m picturing now is not some furry beast but a demonic garden gnome. A glowering ghastly garden gnome. With a red hat.

While I do think that dealing with chronic illness has taught me lessons some people never learn and helped me realize my strength. Again, that being said, I would like for class to be over. I just want to go out to recess and play with the other kids.

My expectation for myself for the next two weeks is just to get through the day, to make it to work as much as I can since, annoyingly, I cannot arrange for another Time Out of the rest of life while I go through this. There will be no To Do lists or ambitious projects. I will bribe myself like a child with the decadent treat of going to see a movie in the middle of the week or a trip to the bookstore, or the luxury of a sick day or two when necessary.

I have a stash of books written by a favorite author, Robert Crais. I’ve read all of them over the years and it’s been just enough time where I have forgotten just enough to be able to rediscover them. They are set in Los Angeles so reading them and knowing the places that are referred to also help make them seem new again. I have fancy lotion which was a gift from Fearless Hero and new comfy North Face fleece and cashmere hoodie and scarf that I also got as Christmas gifts.

Fearless Hero will be with me too, though the timing of this is less than ideal. He celebrates another year of heroicness (hero-ocity?) on his birthday on January 17th. He is sure to keep the scary garden gnomes away with his superpowers and be there to help me as much as possible.

Happy Birthday Fearless Hero! Happy New Year to You All! Much happiness to you - may the Garden Gnomes of Fortune bring only joy and riches!