Refuge

Greetings to you all; I am so glad that I am able to do a little writing today. How are you doing on this fine Friday? I am reporting to you from the front lines; I’ve been struggling for the past 21 days with a migraine every day. I’m fairly certain I am exhibiting several signs of madness as well as symptoms leading up to a psychotic break. While I have experienced migraines for 10 years I have never had a run like this before. It is scary, especially when nothing alleviates the pain. My immediate concern is getting through the day so I have not able to dwell on the bigger picture of doom that this condition has created.

My current neurologist had all of three minutes to speak to me on the phone and instructed me to not use so much of the Imitrex, the medication I take when I get a migraine. Okey dokey then. I’ll just set up a tent in the hospital parking lot and go in for a morphine drip every morning. Maybe I’ll have a bake sale and upgrade to a double wide trailer. I have decided to give up doctors for Lent. And summer. And Advent. And fall winter and spring. I texted my friend Becca about ordering a morphine drip online. She pestered me with questions regarding legality. Sheesh. But I do live in L.A. If I can’t get a hold of some drugs here of all places then there is no hope.

So as not to bash all of the healthcare industry I am happy to report that I have found a wonderful chiropractor that is helping me with my chronic neck/shoulder issues that are often triggers for my headpain. He is very nice so I was not surprised to learn that he is a fellow Midwesterner. My appointments have been during my lunch hour, a little respite in the middle of my day. His office uses the muscle stimulation before adjustments to relax your body. They hook up these electrode things to the areas in your back that are hurting and you get to relax with heated towels under your neck and relax for 10-15 minutes. If anyone is free Saturday I am planning a little break in to steal the machine. Should be a piece of cake. Come over at midnight and wear black.

So far I have managed to hold on to my job, making it to work everyday. For this I am very proud and very tired. I had my six month review last week and got a very positive and encouraging evaluation from my supervisor. Things have slowed down at work and gotten a bit easier. Both the migraine pain and the side effects from the Imitrex make it difficult to concentrate (don‘t believe those TV and print ads that show people engaged in carefree laughter, back to their normal lives due to Imitrex. It‘s a lie. You feel like crap).

I had a few slow days around the 4th of July where I had time on my hands; which was a strange feeling. Though I spend my days on the computer, our internet access is limited to our own agency website, Mapquest, health and government websites etc. I have discovered that internet addresses that end in .org have a greater chance of being accessed. In a joyous moment I discovered that the library websites for all four library systems that I belong to can be accessed. I am open to any and all suggestions of .org websites that might be interesting to do some random reading or exploring when I have a few or a few too many free moments. I will also pay big money if someone can figure out how to play solitaire on a screen that you can see, but that is invisible to everyone else.

So because I got a good review and passed my probationary period I can now use vacation time that I have accrued. This means that I can attend my own wedding! My supervisor signed my vacation request today so I am guaranteed the time off. Insert big sigh of relief here. It is foolhardy to send out invitations to 200 people to an event that you aren’t sure you can attend. But I like to live on the edge.

Fearless Hero and I were able to finish the wedding invitations last weekend. We are really pleased with how they turned out. I was having another bout of insomnia so ended up writing them all out one night, finally going to bed at 5am. I put on the movie “When Harry Met Sally” which I highly recommend as an accompaniment to this kind of wedding activity. I did have a surreal moment as I realized I was sitting in California addressing my wedding invitations at 5 in the morning. How did I get here? (Did anyone else get that Talking Heads song playing in their head when they read that?) It could have been the lack of sleep or it could have been e a legitimate disorientation at all the changes, good and bad , that have happened in my life since I met Fearless Hero.

As the weeks go on that my permanent state of migraining continues, I just try to hang in there, keep hoping that tomorrow will be better. Someone at work asked me how I was doing the other day and we discussed how it would be more appropriate to answer that question with a numerical value like, “I’m about a 5 today,” or even a color system less precise but more open to interpretation. “I’m feeling burnt sienna today.”

Right now I am a teal, going with the shirt I am wearing today. I wore this one so I could wear the cutest shoes that I have ever owned. What wise philosopher once said “It is better to look good than to feel good”?

During these last few weeks I keep trying to find refuge. A big hug by Fearless Hero tops the list. It is usually little things: a particularly tasty lunch, walking around the local farmer’s market during my lunch break, chatting with my new chiropractor before going back to work, making a batch of homemade donuts, calling a friend on the drive home, noticing the trees here that bloom with impossibly lovely purple flowers.

One of my biggest refuges is in books. As you can see by the long list I have posted on my blog I am a great lover of books. I can find relief in getting lost in a good book. Lately I’ve been reading a lot of mysteries as I lack the concentration to follow the really dense literary stuff. I finally read the Twilight series for example, the first one on a day when I was desperate to dive into someone else‘s story. I just got the last Harry Potter book from the library. I may not get out of bed all day on Sunday. When the pain is too bad and I can’t read I feel particularly lost. Sometimes I look at the fashion magazines my dad supplies me with to distract me.

A recent article in Newsweek was written by a man who rereads his favorite books regularly, finding solace in the familiar settings and narratives. Our culture values accomplishment and progress so there is always some guilt about rereading and not going on to something new. It was a good article but strange too; it never occurred to me that people wouldn’t re-read. I only buy the books I love and know I will read again and again, books I am compelled to own. I recently bought Molly Wizenburg’s memoir “A Homemade Life” after only reading a few chapters as I knew it would be a refuge for me, to reread and to feel less alone.

One example of rereading this past week was a short novel this called "The Falconer", a treasured book that Becca gave to me. It was like spending time with an old friend. When I pull books off the shelves of my mini library I find the postcards and notes from friends I hide in there to be rediscovered. There’s a reason that I dragged those boxes of books across the country.

When I can’t read, and, because it is such an excellent show, I also find refuge in watching the HBO series “The Wire.” It takes place in Baltimore and is written by a former police detective and newspaper reporter. It deals with drug dealers and cops and reporters and politicians and lawyers and teachers and street kids and addicts. The characters are real and unforgettable, the vision of the show uncompromising. After the Sopranos, it is the best TV series. The writing is amazing and it assumes the viewer is intelligent enough to follow all the layers of the epic story. It ran for 5 seasons. I started from the beginning and currently have three episodes left. I don’t know what I am going to do next. Happiness for me is coming home immediately after work, getting into my soft warm up pants and watching and taking refuge in an episode. It is also when I get the mail and there is a Netflix envelope stuffed inside. If anyone has recommendations about what other cable shows are good so I can segway into something else please pass it along.

There’s refuge in comforting rituals; like listening to the Cult “She Sells Sanctuary” and “Fire Woman” every Friday morning on the way to work. Texting friends while at work. Listening to the new Wilco album. It is another amazing album by one of my favorite bands. It is responsible for propping me up on many a long afternoon when I’m not sure I am going to make it until 5:00pm. Crawling into a comfy bed and just relaxing in the quiet.

While I do all I can to take care of myself and try and feel better Fearless Hero also has been amazingly patient and kind. He will go out and get me whatever weird food I’m craving, rub my neck when I’m in pain, accommodate my limited stamina without complaining and keeps me company even when I am crabby. He makes it easier.

So I was very glad when my dad, upon hearing that we did not possess a grill for Fearless Hero to cook out on, sent us a surprise gift of a min-gas grill. It arrived on July 3rd. Fearless Hero and I both had off so we went to the permanent Farmer’s Market on 3rd and Fairfax. It is a great place to wander and eat and people watch and shop. We had breakfast at Dupar’s which is famous for their pancakes. It is said that they keep the recipe locked up in the office safe. If things go well Saturday night, our next target will be that safe.

We spent the rest of the morning wandering the stalls and stopping at the adjacent mall. It was a nice way to spend a day off. We worked off the pancakes by doing a thorough cleaning of the apartment. It’s no good if your refuge is dirty. Fearless Hero put together the grill. I love it when the box says “some assembly required” it really should say “all assembly required.” He got to try it out on July 4th. If anyone has excellent recipes for the grill for meat or veggies or fish or fruit please feel free to pass it on.

I will leave you with a little story about our near-brush-with-fame. On July 4th the actress Joyce DeWitt, who spent 8 years portraying Janet on the show “Three’s Company” was arrested for suspicion of drunk driving. According to the Daily Breeze, the South Bay’s newspaper, she drove her black sports car around a barricade set up due to the fireworks show at around 4:19pm and “staggered toward a police officer standing in uniform next to his motorcycle. She slurred “Where the hell is East Oak Street?” An officer asked how much she had had to drink and she said ,”Just one.” She then reached into her car, pulled out a plastic container and began drinking from it. It was unclear what was inside.” She failed a sobriety test and was taken to jail and released at 1:20am on Sunday.

And where, you ask, did this take place? In El Segundo, about 25 yards from our apartment. We were home at the time but did not know the event took place. Her mug shot is truly a scary sight.

So, my friends, my solicitations for .org websites, TV series recommendations and grill recipes were sincere so consider it your homework assignment. These will be graded and those that don’t turn in their assignments will be forced into breaking and entering duty. And don’t send anymore 70s sitcom stars our way, we’ve reached our quota for the year.