It is my two year anniversary. No, not wedding anniversary; that too is a complicated numbers game. No, as hard as it is to believe, it is my two year anniversary as a Los Angeles resident.
Here are some of the things that I have learned:
1. People can and do perform what can only be characterized as egregious traffic violations on a daily basis. Without a second thought. But think twice if you are planning on jaywalking; there is crackdown going on. And I’ve got the jaywalking ticket to prove it. Seriously.
2. I am capable of acting like stereotypical Californian. And not just in my driving habits. I have made granola. And sent it to people. It’s true. It also recently made a cross country trip – and I have the pictures to prove it (Thanks Traci!)
3. Spending an afternoon with a friend who really gets you is a gift.
4. It is possible to be perfectly happy for someone (She got a new job in WI!) and sad for yourself (she got a new job in WI!) (see #2)
5. Just because you have a Big Girl stove doesn’t mean that it can keep a steady temperature. This condition should be illegal. We need to stop focusing on jaywalking (see #1) and start talking about the real issues. Vote for me in November.
6. I spend approximately 1/6 of my waking hours monitoring, adjusting, maintaining, preparing, planning for and making adjustments to my body temperature. On the top of my To Do list is to buy more sweaters and other long sleeved layers. And also just to accept that I will be the one more bundled than everyone else.
7. Always have something to look forward to. A trip home. A trip to the library. An afternoon with a friend. A night vegging on the couch. A weekend away. An extra coffee break at work. A book arriving in the mail. Something that will take you out of whatever current crummy circumstance or contentious conflict that has been created by the continuous crazy-ness called your life.
8. Care packages from your mother are still appropriate post-college.
9. You can discover something new about an old friend. For example, I learned today that Becca also loves Marathon Bars. How ‘bout you?
10. When loved ones come to visit spending time with them makes a new city feel more familiar.
11. Spending an evening cooking together with can be so much better than going to a fancy restaurant. Even with the abundance of fine dining places, no restaurant experience can replace great people to share a meal with that you prepared together.
12. While I am aware that hanging a 2 foot long large whisk on my kitchen wall may be strange, I also am aware that I don’t much care. I will never forget the look on my brother’s face when we were at the kitchen supply store, standing in front of a wall of increasingly longer industrial whisks and other gadgets and I eyed up this one and murmured, “Don’t they have anything bigger?”
13. Speaking of bigger, having a larger apartment is wonderful. Having a place to feel you have a place to be. I didn’t realize just how stressful living in our last place was until we made the move. I am enjoying the space and the light and our pictures (and other things; #12)) on the wall. I can breathe deeper. I can have people over. These are good things.
14. A new fish can be a happy addition to a new apartment. Luna M (for Myrna Loy, see below), a female beta fish, has now taken up residence at Franklin Manor.
15. The multiculturalism here is a joy. Example: One of our neighbors is a Christian Brazilian surfer dude named Wagner. This has led me to the harsh realization that I am the most boring person on earth.
16. Another joy is Fearless Hero’s group of friends here in the South Bay. They have been hanging out for years, mostly friends from their days as beach volleyball aficionados. Now get-togethers are playing with each others’ children while catching up and sharing laughs.
17. A good adventure is good for the soul. After seeing two different segments on cooking shows about a special German pastry called Baumkuchen (or as Fearless Hero calls in moogbucken or kawnboogen), I had to go in search of it. Fortunately, L.A. is the location of one of the two custom ovens in the U.S. to make this delicacy. We drove to Huntington Beach on a Saturday and had pastry, and afterwards picked up some of Fearless Hero’s favorite Vietnamese sandwiches in Little Saigon. We shared the Baumkuchen with our friends that night, following a dinner of a favorite Korean dish and a Korean movie “I’m a Cyborg and That’s OK”. See the multiculturalness?
18. There is a paradox in living in a place that there is so much going on, so many people, it is easy to be on overload. So then you need a break from the stress and then you can go experience on of the many cool places or activities that a place with so much going on and so many people has to offer.
19. I am starting to dread Tuesday nights, when our neighbors (see #15) host a weekly prayer meeting/sing along musical hour. It sounds like a regular hootenanny over there and it makes me feel kinda lonely.
20. That some people think that eating breakfast for dinner is a weird concept. I have the deepest sympathy for these people.
21. Something that truly pleases you, the chicken pot pie at The Wood Spoon restaurant downtown, the newest book by a favorite author, or a craft project that turns out perfectly, can feed your soul.
22. Happiness = the discovery of a good cookbook. Dorie Greenspan’s classic is my current bible.
23. Happiness = the discovery of a new library. I have found a new one, tucked away in Palos Verdes Estates, surrounded by peacock filled gardens. It is an old library, the building was constructed in 1926 and is now on the National Register of Historic Places. It has a quiet, old fashioned atmosphere, large windows that let in the light and boasts not one but two quiet reading rooms. With desks and lamps and windows. And quiet. It is my new favorite place. Happiness is also another library card in your wallet.
24. Knowing the secret to making homemade angel food candy may be a dangerous thing.
25. Natural laws apply even in cubicles. If you forget to water the bamboo plant, it will die.
26. To avoid a nuclear-Dennis-Leary-like rant, complete with expletives, do not mention the words “work picnic” to me. You can say “work.” You can even say “picnic.” In the interest of a steady blood pressure, do not say them in conjunction.
27. When the carpeting in the stairways at work gets wet (cause unknown) the stairwells smell like wet dog. I’ve watched enough Dog Whisperer (see # 37) to know what wet dog smells like and it is not pretty.
28. If you want a greater chance of finding an open bathroom at work, go to the third floor one. The one on the second floor is nearly always occupied.
29. Little things like a crappy stapler or pens whose ink doesn’t start to flow until after the first three letters can drive one insane. I completely understand Milton in the movie “Office Space.” I do a pretty good imitation of him. Sometimes not on purpose.
30. I have become a person who listens to vast amounts of public radio. Interpret this as you will. Incidentally, if when you want to listen to some good music while at work or at home, you can stream KCRW’s 24 hour music station. Or if you are available between the hours of 9:00 am - 12:00 pm L.A. time, you can listen to Morning Becomes Eclectic for some great new and interesting music.
31. My work day is vastly improved by listening to my MP3 player while at work (see #30). It is my most precious office equipment, along with my bamboo plant (when it lives; see # 25)), pictures, Big Lebowski bumper sticker and soothing lighting.
32. It is possible to maintain my status as a medical mystery and hold down a job as well as a sliver of a personal life, however diminished. I appreciate the occasional breaks in the everyday struggle.
33. It is not good when you don’t keep in touch with folks as you would like to via call, email, blog etc. It is also not good when you don’t have much to say that isn’t traumatic or complicated or just plain whining. If I don’t want to read it why would I want others to? On those days, I release myself from the personal deadline I have set and instead I walk or bake (see#5) or read (see #22 and 23) and wait for another day.
34. When the day is bad and there is just nothing to do about it, just go for a walk. The rhythm of your steps and the repetitive movement will take you either out of your head or farther into it to figure things out.
35. During these walks have discovered a company in El Segundo called Slaqr. I am thinking of applying.
36. I have also discovered that El Segundo has 641 car repair, car racing and car part companies.
37. Cable TV is a non-narcotic substitute for valium. Dog the Bounty Hunter. The Closer. True Blood. Mad Men. Burn Notice. Keeping up with the Kardashians. It’s not always pretty but it works. DVR is my new favorite acronym.
38. The better the TV, the longer I stretch and the more push-ups I do after my walks. So really, it is promoting good health. Who knew?
39. The search for the best coffeehouse/cafe in L.A. will continue for the foreseeable future.
40. Orchids in bloom are beautiful. My in-laws’ backyard has been converted to a veritable green house with more varieties and colors than you imagine. Their flowers have won awards and they are spectacular.
41. Growing tomatoes makes Fearless Hero very happy. The tomato plant nearly blocks the entrance to our apartment and there is a bowl of little yellow heirloom tomatoes sitting on our kitchen table right now. This year, one plant, next year he will rule the world.
42. One wayward flower seed, tossed into the dirt next to our entryway stairs can grow unexpectedly. We now have a beanstalk of a sunflower variety that nearly blocks the other side of the entrance to our apartment. We don’t mind though; we will be giving golden eggs or a magic goose as Christmas gifts.
43. Having to go back into every blog entry before I post it to manually add all the paragraph breaks is really kind of annoying.
Obviously many of these things are things that I have learned before. Life is just re-minding me of them.
[Incidentally, I get the origin of “re-minded,” you are bringing it back to the forefront of your brain. But then why is the phrase, “do you mind” have to do with being annoyed or inconvenienced or checking to see if someone has an opinion about something. What kind of comment is that on your brain and the matters that are in its forefront on a regular basis? Is your brain a bother?]
It is hard to believe that Fearless Hero and I are nearly 2 and 1 years married. I just read an article about how marriage is portrayed in the movies. There are many films that chronicle the journey to the altar but relatively few that show the ups and downs, the struggle and pleasure and work and joy of attaching your fate to somebody else’s for the duration (apologies to the article’s author Mark Harris).
My favorite movie about marriage is “The Thin Man” starring one of my idols, Myrna Loy (see #14)and William Powell. I aspire to Nick and Nora’s quick banter and admire her fabulous clothes. We’ve got banter, still working on the clothes and if you have seen any of the films from this series, we would have to seriously increase our alcohol intake.
I am still learning what it means to be a married person. Mostly, it’s to take care of each other. And laugh. And to do and appreciate the little things. Fearless Hero has a larger burden in the first area but he’s holding up well.
For our 1st and 2nd wedding anniversary we are planning a weekend to San Diego and will re-visit the Japanese Tea Garden where he proposed. I have a suspicion that I will learn that one is not always presented with jewelry when one visits a tea garden. I also suspect that I will learn to overcome the disappointment.
Sign from the Universe
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Too Much Chaos
I cannot believe what I am currently doing. I am watching cable.
In my house.
There I’ve admitted it. I’ve never had cable. Well, okay, I had it when I lived with my mom during summer breaks from college, when they finally got around to setting up cable in our little town. And didn’t Sandburg Hall dorms have some sort of cable?
Fearless Hero made valiant attempts to get us a TV signal after we moved. Any signal. I would come home to packages with antennas and strange contraptions in the living room all in a vain effort to get TV. Any TV. At first I just thought that he was just watching too much of BBC’s Dr. Who. But soon it was apparent that our choices were no TV of any kind or cable.
The Direct TV guy was here today. We got cable and Fearless Hero has stopped being Dr. Who (now if I could just convince him that he is not Jerry Lewis). After feeling a bit beat up by a variety of mental illnesses (not my own) difficult meetings and migraines (my own), I promised myself an evening of relaxation.
So far I’ve watched a bit of the restored 1948 movie The Red Shoes, an episode of House Hunters on HGTV, part of a Guns N Roses on Biography (they got successful, they imploded), part of 19 and Counting (who knew about this show?), Ace of Cakes (featuring an R2D2 remote control cake), Phineas and Ferb, and parts of Project Runway, Life in the Fab Lane and several soap operas.
We are also now a two TV household. The changes around here are dizzying.
The name of this posting was originally going to be I Craigslist. We have bought a matching couch and love seat and a desk so far. I have become a fiend addicted to searching the online rummage sale for a dining table. And now I guess I will need something to sit in to watch our second TV.
The couch and love seat are now in our garage. We think that the previous new owner used about a bottle and a half of Febreeze, Mountain Breeze I think. If you want to feel like you are on a Swiss Alp just come to our garage. But be careful of the boxes so you don’t fall while you are in the middle of your Julie Andrews impersonation. And there won't room for all the Von Trapps.
So we are letting the couches air out a little longer. Plus we need help getting them into the house. Beth thinks that she can lift couches without negative effects on her muscular-skeletal and nervous systems but she is wrong.
The people we have dealt with on Craigslist have all been very nice. It reaffirms your faith in people. I was emailing a guy named Ryan about a desk. I had to break up with him. It just wasn’t going to work out, the desk was too big. It wasn’t him, it was me. We are still friends though.
As we are figuring out places for everything what comes to mind is one of those magazine articles about how possessions end up owning you and proposes strategies to simplify. I vacillate from being completely on board and wanting to purge to standing in the garage and eyeing up the loft storage and making a mental list of all the stuff I could fit up there while I mutter about outlandish ways I could get my Xmas tree from back home so I can store it up there too.
I haven’t been dealing well with all the chaos this move has brought even as I enjoy all the great things about our new place. I'm not sure I understand why. I think the increased stress at work is a contributing reason. Expectations have increased and the 'do more with less of everything' has made a challenging job take on shades of the impossible. I am experiencing déjà vu when writing reports about some of my clients: low frustration tolerance, easily upset by changes in the routine.
Speaking of reports, due to my impaired typing skills, I would request that the following spelling changes could be made as a time saving measure:
Tjank
indepnednet
Betj
reginal
acitiviteis
hsptial
impromvent
Brain
folow
And do we need to be so rigid about spacing?
My crowning achievement at work this week was winning the ice-breaker warm up activity at a morning training. I made 86 words out of the word “transition.” Well, I won the Starbucks gift card after coming up with 30-some in the time limit, but spent the rest of the training coming back to it. And that total will be 87 when I get indepdenet (see?)confirmation that "stantion" is a word.
Anyway, I think it is just that it is all too much at one time. I can’t find anything and there are a million things to do. Add the usual health stuff (blah blah blah) and you’ve got a recipe for some anxiety. As I engage in my first bout of cable channel surfing, I just heard a commercial earnestly talking to us consumers and how there is often “too much month and not enough money.” I wonder if there is too much chaos and not enough Beth.
(Does referring to yourself repeatedly in the third person signal increased stress or a breakdown of your personality? Something else entirely? Just wondering.)
To avoid any more texts to friends like the recent “did you ever have one of those days where you feel that at any moment you could have a complete mental breakdown?”, I am working on accepting the quirks about me, including my hypersensitivity to well, everything. There are some things that are just genetic or part of your make up that you just have to deal with.
For example, we recently discovered that Fearless Hero will never be Elvis. He can’t do the lip sneer thing right. We tried. Only the bottom lip can approximate His Blue Suede Shoeness. Don’t worry, he rebounds much faster than me.
I have tried to find different ways to be kind to myself and get a break from the chaos. One of the opportunities is my lunch hour.
There is the scary mall right near where I work. You know, the one that I got lost in once that is the size of a small city? Mention of that is the antithesis of anti-stressful. I don’t actually go into the mall during lunch. I am not that far gone yet.
What I have learned is that gigantic malls have huge parking lots and that due the native Angelenos obsessions with finding the absolute closest parking space in all circumstances, there are areas not conveniently located near entrances where no one goes that actually have spots of shade.
These under-tree spots are perfect for one to park and watch a video or read a book undisturbed. This strategy has saved many a day from the brink. It may be anti-social but pro-sanity. I am going to gloss right over the symbolism of spending lunch alone in a parking lot. But it has been one remedy to weeks without end.
Lately I have been watching videos from Netflix during my hour. Currently I am watching the HBO show “Big Love”. It is about Bill, Barb, Nikki, Margene and their 7children, a modern day family of polygamists living in the suburbs of Utah. I know it sounds kind of out there but it is a well written and interesting show.
So I freaked right out when the people I was communicating with through Craigslist for the desk and couches were named Barb and Niki. I was eyeing up a posting of a filing cabinet but was afraid to email in case the seller was named Margene.
I have tried other remedies like trying to discover how to make the perfect cup of hot cocoa. Failed attempts to, say, re-create the java chip scones from a little coffee shop back home, been more difficult for Beth to cope with than expected. (There I go again. Multiple personalities? Will I start twitching soon?)
But I have a job and a cool place. And the smell of the mountains in my garage. And cable. And the weekend before me. So there is that.
In my house.
There I’ve admitted it. I’ve never had cable. Well, okay, I had it when I lived with my mom during summer breaks from college, when they finally got around to setting up cable in our little town. And didn’t Sandburg Hall dorms have some sort of cable?
Fearless Hero made valiant attempts to get us a TV signal after we moved. Any signal. I would come home to packages with antennas and strange contraptions in the living room all in a vain effort to get TV. Any TV. At first I just thought that he was just watching too much of BBC’s Dr. Who. But soon it was apparent that our choices were no TV of any kind or cable.
The Direct TV guy was here today. We got cable and Fearless Hero has stopped being Dr. Who (now if I could just convince him that he is not Jerry Lewis). After feeling a bit beat up by a variety of mental illnesses (not my own) difficult meetings and migraines (my own), I promised myself an evening of relaxation.
So far I’ve watched a bit of the restored 1948 movie The Red Shoes, an episode of House Hunters on HGTV, part of a Guns N Roses on Biography (they got successful, they imploded), part of 19 and Counting (who knew about this show?), Ace of Cakes (featuring an R2D2 remote control cake), Phineas and Ferb, and parts of Project Runway, Life in the Fab Lane and several soap operas.
We are also now a two TV household. The changes around here are dizzying.
The name of this posting was originally going to be I
The couch and love seat are now in our garage. We think that the previous new owner used about a bottle and a half of Febreeze, Mountain Breeze I think. If you want to feel like you are on a Swiss Alp just come to our garage. But be careful of the boxes so you don’t fall while you are in the middle of your Julie Andrews impersonation. And there won't room for all the Von Trapps.
So we are letting the couches air out a little longer. Plus we need help getting them into the house. Beth thinks that she can lift couches without negative effects on her muscular-skeletal and nervous systems but she is wrong.
The people we have dealt with on Craigslist have all been very nice. It reaffirms your faith in people. I was emailing a guy named Ryan about a desk. I had to break up with him. It just wasn’t going to work out, the desk was too big. It wasn’t him, it was me. We are still friends though.
As we are figuring out places for everything what comes to mind is one of those magazine articles about how possessions end up owning you and proposes strategies to simplify. I vacillate from being completely on board and wanting to purge to standing in the garage and eyeing up the loft storage and making a mental list of all the stuff I could fit up there while I mutter about outlandish ways I could get my Xmas tree from back home so I can store it up there too.
I haven’t been dealing well with all the chaos this move has brought even as I enjoy all the great things about our new place. I'm not sure I understand why. I think the increased stress at work is a contributing reason. Expectations have increased and the 'do more with less of everything' has made a challenging job take on shades of the impossible. I am experiencing déjà vu when writing reports about some of my clients: low frustration tolerance, easily upset by changes in the routine.
Speaking of reports, due to my impaired typing skills, I would request that the following spelling changes could be made as a time saving measure:
Tjank
indepnednet
Betj
reginal
acitiviteis
hsptial
impromvent
Brain
folow
And do we need to be so rigid about spacing?
My crowning achievement at work this week was winning the ice-breaker warm up activity at a morning training. I made 86 words out of the word “transition.” Well, I won the Starbucks gift card after coming up with 30-some in the time limit, but spent the rest of the training coming back to it. And that total will be 87 when I get indepdenet (see?)confirmation that "stantion" is a word.
Anyway, I think it is just that it is all too much at one time. I can’t find anything and there are a million things to do. Add the usual health stuff (blah blah blah) and you’ve got a recipe for some anxiety. As I engage in my first bout of cable channel surfing, I just heard a commercial earnestly talking to us consumers and how there is often “too much month and not enough money.” I wonder if there is too much chaos and not enough Beth.
(Does referring to yourself repeatedly in the third person signal increased stress or a breakdown of your personality? Something else entirely? Just wondering.)
To avoid any more texts to friends like the recent “did you ever have one of those days where you feel that at any moment you could have a complete mental breakdown?”, I am working on accepting the quirks about me, including my hypersensitivity to well, everything. There are some things that are just genetic or part of your make up that you just have to deal with.
For example, we recently discovered that Fearless Hero will never be Elvis. He can’t do the lip sneer thing right. We tried. Only the bottom lip can approximate His Blue Suede Shoeness. Don’t worry, he rebounds much faster than me.
I have tried to find different ways to be kind to myself and get a break from the chaos. One of the opportunities is my lunch hour.
There is the scary mall right near where I work. You know, the one that I got lost in once that is the size of a small city? Mention of that is the antithesis of anti-stressful. I don’t actually go into the mall during lunch. I am not that far gone yet.
What I have learned is that gigantic malls have huge parking lots and that due the native Angelenos obsessions with finding the absolute closest parking space in all circumstances, there are areas not conveniently located near entrances where no one goes that actually have spots of shade.
These under-tree spots are perfect for one to park and watch a video or read a book undisturbed. This strategy has saved many a day from the brink. It may be anti-social but pro-sanity. I am going to gloss right over the symbolism of spending lunch alone in a parking lot. But it has been one remedy to weeks without end.
Lately I have been watching videos from Netflix during my hour. Currently I am watching the HBO show “Big Love”. It is about Bill, Barb, Nikki, Margene and their 7children, a modern day family of polygamists living in the suburbs of Utah. I know it sounds kind of out there but it is a well written and interesting show.
So I freaked right out when the people I was communicating with through Craigslist for the desk and couches were named Barb and Niki. I was eyeing up a posting of a filing cabinet but was afraid to email in case the seller was named Margene.
I have tried other remedies like trying to discover how to make the perfect cup of hot cocoa. Failed attempts to, say, re-create the java chip scones from a little coffee shop back home, been more difficult for Beth to cope with than expected. (There I go again. Multiple personalities? Will I start twitching soon?)
But I have a job and a cool place. And the smell of the mountains in my garage. And cable. And the weekend before me. So there is that.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Muchness
The other night I went to see the new 3-D film Alice in Wonderland with friends. A 19 year old Alice returns to Wonderland (it’s real name is Underland) and one of the characters that she knew during her first visit as a young girl, remarks with some disappointment to her that, “You used to be much-ier; you’ve lost your much-ness.”
The meaning of this is meant to be ambiguous; much of this story is. Muchness – bravery, sanity, personality, character, self-possession? Thinking about the movie later it struck me that her adventures are all about the way the life frustrates your expectations and resists interpretation, even when problems seem familiar or solvable. Knowing herself was her greatest accomplishment, and it is one of our most all-consuming tasks.
Though no animated character has told me so, I too feel like I have lost some of my muchness. This could be normal, as life changes all the time. My job has had an influence as has being married as has living in the sun as has deciding things about the future as has dealing with health stuff. It’s feeling off balance, discomfited by changes in opinions, new considerations to long held beliefs, new perspectives and shifting priorities.
It is the fact that my birthday is imminent. I always seem to find myself reevaluating my life. And celebrating it too, the focus is not the passing of time but celebrating that you are here and here has a lot of wonderful people and places and memories in it. So many of our days blur by, filled with responsibilities and errands and work and sleep and mundane details. Birthdays, I have always believed, are a time to stop and remember your blessings and to treat yourself like you would your very best friend. Who you spent the day (or the days surrounding) with, how you celebrated, who gave you gifts or hugs or well wishes marks that time in your life.
Instead of aftershocks of an earthquake, I am having beforeshocks. Yes, I realize that I just compared my birthday with an earthquake. What’s with the attitude? Mostly expectations I put on myself to have accomplished certain things for myself, answers I thought I’d have to the who what when where and why questions.
I suppose I could make the easy comparison here and say that moving to LA is like falling down the rabbit hole. But really it is that just when you think you kind of know who you are things change – and I’m not referring to big ol’ changes like moving to a place 2000 miles away. It’s the little things, part of the blur of everyday that sometimes shake the foundations.
Speaking of which, contributing to the thoughtfulness of this is the fact that someone who I love dearly, who spent my childhood buying me dresses and making me feel special and has spent my adulthood being my friend is battling her own Jabberwocky. It is hard hard to be so far away. She is surrounded by lots of love and support and will handle this with humor and grace I have no doubt.
I have always thought that it would be great to spend an entire day doing dreaded tasks such as looking for a parking space or grocery shopping. 24 solid hours of cleaning the toilet would then absolve you from doing that task for the next year. It would be the ultimate in time management. When a someone special to you is struggling you feel so helpless; I am quite sure that each of her loved ones would gladly take a day of her fight to give her some comfort. I know I would.
When faced with an event such as that one, I have heard people say time and time again that they find a “new normal.” That things will not go back to the way they were, but that how they recover and ultimately adjust is to find a new sense of what is normal. One of the other themes in the story of Alice in Wonderland is that adaptability is necessary for success.
I have been very lucky to have had visits from not one, not two, but three of my dearest friends. It was absolutely excellent to have them here, to do normal girly stuff, to take them to some of the places that are a part of my life, to shop and eat and talk. Doing all those things with them have helped this place seem more real. Sharing it with them, as I have done with so many experiences for my adult life, make things seem much more normal.
I am actually surreptitiously eating a Hob Nob cookie from a British Import shop that is down the street from where I work. They were my friend’s favorite when she lived in London and they are tasting quite excellent with my Catalina Coffee Company large bowl of coffee. The couple that owns the shop is very friendly. I told them that I pass their shop every day and have been meaning to stop in for months. Today I was driving past and just pulled in without any forethought. She agreed that some days are just like that. Days when you just can’t or won’t. And then there are the days that you do.
I am hoping for days when you just do, when you just can. When you do not feel like you have lost your muchness. When adaptability and tolerance for the thwarted expectations is bountiful and discovering your new perspectives and desires is an adventure. For days when you find a way to celebrate your life. Even if it is not quite what you thought you would be celebrating or how you would feel celebrating it. When you know exactly who the person is that is living in your skin.
The meaning of this is meant to be ambiguous; much of this story is. Muchness – bravery, sanity, personality, character, self-possession? Thinking about the movie later it struck me that her adventures are all about the way the life frustrates your expectations and resists interpretation, even when problems seem familiar or solvable. Knowing herself was her greatest accomplishment, and it is one of our most all-consuming tasks.
Though no animated character has told me so, I too feel like I have lost some of my muchness. This could be normal, as life changes all the time. My job has had an influence as has being married as has living in the sun as has deciding things about the future as has dealing with health stuff. It’s feeling off balance, discomfited by changes in opinions, new considerations to long held beliefs, new perspectives and shifting priorities.
It is the fact that my birthday is imminent. I always seem to find myself reevaluating my life. And celebrating it too, the focus is not the passing of time but celebrating that you are here and here has a lot of wonderful people and places and memories in it. So many of our days blur by, filled with responsibilities and errands and work and sleep and mundane details. Birthdays, I have always believed, are a time to stop and remember your blessings and to treat yourself like you would your very best friend. Who you spent the day (or the days surrounding) with, how you celebrated, who gave you gifts or hugs or well wishes marks that time in your life.
Instead of aftershocks of an earthquake, I am having beforeshocks. Yes, I realize that I just compared my birthday with an earthquake. What’s with the attitude? Mostly expectations I put on myself to have accomplished certain things for myself, answers I thought I’d have to the who what when where and why questions.
I suppose I could make the easy comparison here and say that moving to LA is like falling down the rabbit hole. But really it is that just when you think you kind of know who you are things change – and I’m not referring to big ol’ changes like moving to a place 2000 miles away. It’s the little things, part of the blur of everyday that sometimes shake the foundations.
Speaking of which, contributing to the thoughtfulness of this is the fact that someone who I love dearly, who spent my childhood buying me dresses and making me feel special and has spent my adulthood being my friend is battling her own Jabberwocky. It is hard hard to be so far away. She is surrounded by lots of love and support and will handle this with humor and grace I have no doubt.
I have always thought that it would be great to spend an entire day doing dreaded tasks such as looking for a parking space or grocery shopping. 24 solid hours of cleaning the toilet would then absolve you from doing that task for the next year. It would be the ultimate in time management. When a someone special to you is struggling you feel so helpless; I am quite sure that each of her loved ones would gladly take a day of her fight to give her some comfort. I know I would.
When faced with an event such as that one, I have heard people say time and time again that they find a “new normal.” That things will not go back to the way they were, but that how they recover and ultimately adjust is to find a new sense of what is normal. One of the other themes in the story of Alice in Wonderland is that adaptability is necessary for success.
I have been very lucky to have had visits from not one, not two, but three of my dearest friends. It was absolutely excellent to have them here, to do normal girly stuff, to take them to some of the places that are a part of my life, to shop and eat and talk. Doing all those things with them have helped this place seem more real. Sharing it with them, as I have done with so many experiences for my adult life, make things seem much more normal.
I am actually surreptitiously eating a Hob Nob cookie from a British Import shop that is down the street from where I work. They were my friend’s favorite when she lived in London and they are tasting quite excellent with my Catalina Coffee Company large bowl of coffee. The couple that owns the shop is very friendly. I told them that I pass their shop every day and have been meaning to stop in for months. Today I was driving past and just pulled in without any forethought. She agreed that some days are just like that. Days when you just can’t or won’t. And then there are the days that you do.
I am hoping for days when you just do, when you just can. When you do not feel like you have lost your muchness. When adaptability and tolerance for the thwarted expectations is bountiful and discovering your new perspectives and desires is an adventure. For days when you find a way to celebrate your life. Even if it is not quite what you thought you would be celebrating or how you would feel celebrating it. When you know exactly who the person is that is living in your skin.
Alice in El Segundo
Did I mention just how big that bowl of coffee was? Too big to write just one posting. Before I set about cleaning our apartment (hence the amount of coffee) I want to share some good news.
For quite a few months Fearless Hero and I have traipsed through the highways and byways of Underland in search of a new apartment. We’ve seen it all; stoves from the 40s, questionable garage spaces, fireplaces large and small, big closets and no closets, windows without blinds and doors that don’t close, bathrooms with two sinks and ones with actual storage. We’ve been to see so many places but none filled me with the particular joy that makes you actually contemplate putting everything you own in boxes and moving them. You’d have to ask Fearless Hero of about his perspective; I somehow feel joy wasn’t his criteria. A garage, parking space and a bigger kitchen would more accurately describe it.
I am happy to report that as of April 15 we will have a new address. It is a one story apartment, with our own entrance, garage with storage and extra parking space. It is a two bedroom apartment with closets. Yes, you heard me, closets. Plural. With an ‘S’. And there are built in storage cabinets above them in both bedrooms so there is storage up to the ceiling. (I feel like I’m talking dirty to my female family/friends reading this) The rooms are not large by any means, and not by California standards either.
But the kitchen has – get this – a washer and dryer. That work. That I don’t have to put quarters in. That I can use any time. That is only ours. That we didn’t have to buy. That, my friends, is amazing.
And – I know, I know, it’s too much. But there’s more. It has a big girl stove. Full size. Not apartment size that when you use a cookie sheet it cuts the space in half and makes the temp go all wonky and when you bake cookies you have to check and adjust the temperature constantly especially if it is one of those stoves from the days of free love and then things don’t turn out right and you get all frustrated and exclaim to the closest superhero “I want a big girl stove! Can we please get a big girl stove?”
Oh – and it has a refrigerator too. Fridges are not always included in apartments here. I know, it’s crazy but it’s true. And there is room for a small kitchen table. So after having only a built in counter thing to eat on we are looking forward to actually sitting together to have a meal. And having friends over. Yay for company!
We are happy. And will have to find a new hobby besides looking for an apartment. Well, after we move and clean and rearrange and buy a kitchen table. And recover.
It will be strange to move without my usual posse of helpers. We will now pause to allow for these people, including my parents, to breathe a sigh of relief and perhaps perform a little dance of joy. Luckily we will have almost two weeks to move and our new place is only a few blocks away.
It will be like Christmas, things that we have been unable to use due to lack of space, especially kitchen items will be brought out again. We will use the gift cards we have been saving to buy new towels and lamps. And we will be exhausted. But have more room in which to be exhausted.
But when you come to visit there will be a bedroom for you to sleep on our luxurious inflatable bed (no, really, it is comfortable, just ask our recent visitors). There may even be room for Fearless Hero to grow some tomatoes or herbs on our little stoop.
I will be sending out our new address soon so watch your email.
Movin on up, to the east side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky…
For quite a few months Fearless Hero and I have traipsed through the highways and byways of Underland in search of a new apartment. We’ve seen it all; stoves from the 40s, questionable garage spaces, fireplaces large and small, big closets and no closets, windows without blinds and doors that don’t close, bathrooms with two sinks and ones with actual storage. We’ve been to see so many places but none filled me with the particular joy that makes you actually contemplate putting everything you own in boxes and moving them. You’d have to ask Fearless Hero of about his perspective; I somehow feel joy wasn’t his criteria. A garage, parking space and a bigger kitchen would more accurately describe it.
I am happy to report that as of April 15 we will have a new address. It is a one story apartment, with our own entrance, garage with storage and extra parking space. It is a two bedroom apartment with closets. Yes, you heard me, closets. Plural. With an ‘S’. And there are built in storage cabinets above them in both bedrooms so there is storage up to the ceiling. (I feel like I’m talking dirty to my female family/friends reading this) The rooms are not large by any means, and not by California standards either.
But the kitchen has – get this – a washer and dryer. That work. That I don’t have to put quarters in. That I can use any time. That is only ours. That we didn’t have to buy. That, my friends, is amazing.
And – I know, I know, it’s too much. But there’s more. It has a big girl stove. Full size. Not apartment size that when you use a cookie sheet it cuts the space in half and makes the temp go all wonky and when you bake cookies you have to check and adjust the temperature constantly especially if it is one of those stoves from the days of free love and then things don’t turn out right and you get all frustrated and exclaim to the closest superhero “I want a big girl stove! Can we please get a big girl stove?”
Oh – and it has a refrigerator too. Fridges are not always included in apartments here. I know, it’s crazy but it’s true. And there is room for a small kitchen table. So after having only a built in counter thing to eat on we are looking forward to actually sitting together to have a meal. And having friends over. Yay for company!
We are happy. And will have to find a new hobby besides looking for an apartment. Well, after we move and clean and rearrange and buy a kitchen table. And recover.
It will be strange to move without my usual posse of helpers. We will now pause to allow for these people, including my parents, to breathe a sigh of relief and perhaps perform a little dance of joy. Luckily we will have almost two weeks to move and our new place is only a few blocks away.
It will be like Christmas, things that we have been unable to use due to lack of space, especially kitchen items will be brought out again. We will use the gift cards we have been saving to buy new towels and lamps. And we will be exhausted. But have more room in which to be exhausted.
But when you come to visit there will be a bedroom for you to sleep on our luxurious inflatable bed (no, really, it is comfortable, just ask our recent visitors). There may even be room for Fearless Hero to grow some tomatoes or herbs on our little stoop.
I will be sending out our new address soon so watch your email.
Movin on up, to the east side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky…
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Garden Gnomes of Fortune
Hello party people! Welcome to 2010! How does it feel so far? Foggy, silky, purple? I need adjectives, people. For now I am going with blurry and unwieldy.
Does my posting look different, a little shinier, a little newer perhaps? If so, it is because this is my first posting while using my very own laptop computer! I am most excited about this new individual in my life and am looking forward to a long and close relationship.
I am happy to report that my two week sojourn back to Coldsnowyland was fantastic; a much needed chance to catch up with family and friends and a great break from work and real life in L.A (there‘s an oxymoron for you). This trip I learned that the longer you stay the harder it is to come back. We had a great time. Fearless Hero’s company decided to close for the week between Christmas and New Year so he unexpectedly got to stay for the whole time too. It was sort of like an extended Time Out.
People cooked dinner for us and drove across miles and gave us thoughtful gifts and rearranged plans and welcomed us into their homes. I played cards, baked, frosted, wrapped, shopped, ate, slept in, drank lots of coffee and got to hang out with so many people. My mom put up with our mess and my dad rented us a car so we could be mobile and pack as much traveling and visiting as possible into our two weeks. I felt right at home with the cold and the snow. Feeling at home is one sentiment that I don’t take for granted anymore.
I returned to Los Angeles feeling deflated and more than a little disappointed that my problems were still here waiting, all lined up like little demented garden gnomes. Forgive the strange imagery, Fearless Hero and I spent a day this weekend looking for apartments. Some people in one of the buildings that we looked at had a 12 inch by 12 inch square near their door where they managed to fit in four little gnome statues. Their menacing looks sort of matched my growing real estate worry and general despair.
So what’s on the agenda for 2010? First thing was to recover from the disorientation from my visit home. The next thing will be more difficult but will probably also include some confusion and dizziness.
In a consultation with my doctors, I will be starting a new treatment in the hopes of resolving the severe health problems I have been having over the last several months. We are attempting to figure out the cause of all my symptoms. I won’t bore you with the gory details or biological theories behind this mad scheme but will say that it begins with a new regimen for two weeks and the next steps will be determined after that.
The next two weeks will be very difficult, made even more so by not really knowing what result to hope for once the tests come back after these two weeks. Option A : this are the health and lifestyle changes you will need to make and the personal and physical limitations you will need to accept or Option B: Gee, still don’t know what’s wrong with you. Option A will require another reinvention of myself. Which I have had just about enough of in the last year or two, thank you very much, as all of you who have have been reading this blog can concur. Option B is not good either, a big black scary thing.
Here’s the point in the posting where I focus on the positive aspects of the situation “At least now I have a plan, we’re making progress blah blah blah” I don’t quite have it in me today. Things just suck right now.
I remember the answer my meditation teacher gave when questioned how to practice meditation when experiencing physical pain. Her advice was to acknowledge it, sit with it as part of the practice, since trying to ignore it will not be possible, and to keep trying to practice despite it.
I’ve remembered this advice many times since then. I read somewhere once that a woman dealt with her particular fear by imagining inviting it to the table for tea. The visual monster I’m picturing now is not some furry beast but a demonic garden gnome. A glowering ghastly garden gnome. With a red hat.
While I do think that dealing with chronic illness has taught me lessons some people never learn and helped me realize my strength. Again, that being said, I would like for class to be over. I just want to go out to recess and play with the other kids.
My expectation for myself for the next two weeks is just to get through the day, to make it to work as much as I can since, annoyingly, I cannot arrange for another Time Out of the rest of life while I go through this. There will be no To Do lists or ambitious projects. I will bribe myself like a child with the decadent treat of going to see a movie in the middle of the week or a trip to the bookstore, or the luxury of a sick day or two when necessary.
I have a stash of books written by a favorite author, Robert Crais. I’ve read all of them over the years and it’s been just enough time where I have forgotten just enough to be able to rediscover them. They are set in Los Angeles so reading them and knowing the places that are referred to also help make them seem new again. I have fancy lotion which was a gift from Fearless Hero and new comfy North Face fleece and cashmere hoodie and scarf that I also got as Christmas gifts.
Fearless Hero will be with me too, though the timing of this is less than ideal. He celebrates another year of heroicness (hero-ocity?) on his birthday on January 17th. He is sure to keep the scary garden gnomes away with his superpowers and be there to help me as much as possible.
Happy Birthday Fearless Hero! Happy New Year to You All! Much happiness to you - may the Garden Gnomes of Fortune bring only joy and riches!
Does my posting look different, a little shinier, a little newer perhaps? If so, it is because this is my first posting while using my very own laptop computer! I am most excited about this new individual in my life and am looking forward to a long and close relationship.
I am happy to report that my two week sojourn back to Coldsnowyland was fantastic; a much needed chance to catch up with family and friends and a great break from work and real life in L.A (there‘s an oxymoron for you). This trip I learned that the longer you stay the harder it is to come back. We had a great time. Fearless Hero’s company decided to close for the week between Christmas and New Year so he unexpectedly got to stay for the whole time too. It was sort of like an extended Time Out.
People cooked dinner for us and drove across miles and gave us thoughtful gifts and rearranged plans and welcomed us into their homes. I played cards, baked, frosted, wrapped, shopped, ate, slept in, drank lots of coffee and got to hang out with so many people. My mom put up with our mess and my dad rented us a car so we could be mobile and pack as much traveling and visiting as possible into our two weeks. I felt right at home with the cold and the snow. Feeling at home is one sentiment that I don’t take for granted anymore.
I returned to Los Angeles feeling deflated and more than a little disappointed that my problems were still here waiting, all lined up like little demented garden gnomes. Forgive the strange imagery, Fearless Hero and I spent a day this weekend looking for apartments. Some people in one of the buildings that we looked at had a 12 inch by 12 inch square near their door where they managed to fit in four little gnome statues. Their menacing looks sort of matched my growing real estate worry and general despair.
So what’s on the agenda for 2010? First thing was to recover from the disorientation from my visit home. The next thing will be more difficult but will probably also include some confusion and dizziness.
In a consultation with my doctors, I will be starting a new treatment in the hopes of resolving the severe health problems I have been having over the last several months. We are attempting to figure out the cause of all my symptoms. I won’t bore you with the gory details or biological theories behind this mad scheme but will say that it begins with a new regimen for two weeks and the next steps will be determined after that.
The next two weeks will be very difficult, made even more so by not really knowing what result to hope for once the tests come back after these two weeks. Option A : this are the health and lifestyle changes you will need to make and the personal and physical limitations you will need to accept or Option B: Gee, still don’t know what’s wrong with you. Option A will require another reinvention of myself. Which I have had just about enough of in the last year or two, thank you very much, as all of you who have have been reading this blog can concur. Option B is not good either, a big black scary thing.
Here’s the point in the posting where I focus on the positive aspects of the situation “At least now I have a plan, we’re making progress blah blah blah” I don’t quite have it in me today. Things just suck right now.
I remember the answer my meditation teacher gave when questioned how to practice meditation when experiencing physical pain. Her advice was to acknowledge it, sit with it as part of the practice, since trying to ignore it will not be possible, and to keep trying to practice despite it.
I’ve remembered this advice many times since then. I read somewhere once that a woman dealt with her particular fear by imagining inviting it to the table for tea. The visual monster I’m picturing now is not some furry beast but a demonic garden gnome. A glowering ghastly garden gnome. With a red hat.
While I do think that dealing with chronic illness has taught me lessons some people never learn and helped me realize my strength. Again, that being said, I would like for class to be over. I just want to go out to recess and play with the other kids.
My expectation for myself for the next two weeks is just to get through the day, to make it to work as much as I can since, annoyingly, I cannot arrange for another Time Out of the rest of life while I go through this. There will be no To Do lists or ambitious projects. I will bribe myself like a child with the decadent treat of going to see a movie in the middle of the week or a trip to the bookstore, or the luxury of a sick day or two when necessary.
I have a stash of books written by a favorite author, Robert Crais. I’ve read all of them over the years and it’s been just enough time where I have forgotten just enough to be able to rediscover them. They are set in Los Angeles so reading them and knowing the places that are referred to also help make them seem new again. I have fancy lotion which was a gift from Fearless Hero and new comfy North Face fleece and cashmere hoodie and scarf that I also got as Christmas gifts.
Fearless Hero will be with me too, though the timing of this is less than ideal. He celebrates another year of heroicness (hero-ocity?) on his birthday on January 17th. He is sure to keep the scary garden gnomes away with his superpowers and be there to help me as much as possible.
Happy Birthday Fearless Hero! Happy New Year to You All! Much happiness to you - may the Garden Gnomes of Fortune bring only joy and riches!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
It's Beginning to Feel Like Christmas!!!
It has been a lovely and productive Thanksgiving weekend. We enjoyed our Thanksgiving day with Fearless Hero's family and got to eat the amazing spread prepared by my sister-in-law Lisa. Here is our little tree which we carved out a spot for in our crowded living room. We are nearly done with our shopping after a marathon errand session on Saturday. Our cards are nearly ready to send out and boxes of gifts to send home are almost ready. Nothing puts me in the mood for the holidays than covering the entire living room floor with wrapping paper and ribbon while wrapping gifts.
I've been enjoying a few days grace without migraines or headaches and, in celebration, baked a batch of old school cupcakes. It is wonderful to have the energy to do projects like this. These cupcakes taste like the Hostess ones only much much better. I got to use my new dessert pro decorator (Thanks Justin and Michaela!) to add the filling and decoration while Fearless Hero put up Christmas lights in our window. I am looking forward to being able the enjoy the holidays with hopefully less stress since we are semi-organized. Only 13 work days until we leave for Wisconsin!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Somewhat Famous
I spent Halloween with friends in West Hollywood for the huge yearly Halloween gathering. Valari, a member of our party, was singled out for her fabulousness and interviewed by one of the local news programs. Check it out here!
http://www.cbs2.com/video/?id=118267@kcbs.dayport.com
By proxy, I am somewhat famous.
In addition, our wedding photographer posted one of our pictures on her website. Again with the famous. I've posted it on the blog to see if you agree with her choice.
http://www.cbs2.com/video/?id=118267@kcbs.dayport.com
By proxy, I am somewhat famous.
In addition, our wedding photographer posted one of our pictures on her website. Again with the famous. I've posted it on the blog to see if you agree with her choice.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
